Its far earlier than I ever plan and intend to be up. But I am, and the children are not, and I daren't turn any lights on or do anything to wake them up, which means my only option is being on the computer, being, as it were, a light source.
While the fate of the Network was being mulled over in a nice large room at St. Vincent's Cathedral, yesterday, I was a few steps away in a very nicely equipped nursery, maneuvering my computer into various awkward positions trying to get more than one green bar so that I could get the live stream up and hear what was going on. The children played wildly and impassionedly (having been so long in the car, and in hotel rooms) with all the wonderful new toys. E, particularly, found a large blue plastic elephant which she forthwith named 'Alan' and carried around and sat on and talked to and organized.
'Why is the elephant's name Alan?' I asked her.
'Because', she said condescendingly, 'that's his name.'
Felt very stupid for not getting it. We don't even really know anyone named Alan. Am continuing to wrack my brain.
I DID manage to watch all of Bishop Venebles talk in the afternoon and was so encouraged and moved.
I do think that I, personally, have at various times erred and strayed like a lost sheep throughout this Anglican mess. It has essentially encompassed my whole time in the church-we had been in our job exactly one year when GC2003 hit us all like a train. I was glancing back over my journal of the last four years and realizing how little (if you watched or read Bishop Veneble's talk) I have kept my eyes on Jesus. Oh sure, every now and then I glance at him and ask what to do. But more often I'm plunging headlong into the next crisis or job or idea on my own steam and with my own plans. Not to say that Jesus can't fix it-he has, over and over. And I think over all the work I, and we, have done in the church has been good and is bearing fruit. But I need to let go of the power struggle. And I need to accept the fact of various persecutions that lie ahead, and not try to avoid them. And I need, more than anything, to trust God to sort this out in the long run.
In a cosmically spiritual way, its interesting to be in the noise and chaos of a nursery, surrounded by bright red plastic and shouting children, while important and Godly people, only a few feet away, discuss and confer and take votes and pray. I can watch it going on, in a distracted way, and pray for it, in a distracted way, and hope for the best. But its entirely out of my hands. Its ridiculous to imagine that I had any 'control' over the proceedings. And yet, day by day, I, in my life surrounded by red plastic and shouting children, imagine that I have 'control' over the plans and works of God, who cares for me and can handle everything without my help. So, that is my lesson for today. And a good thing too, because a child has just woken up shouting for MILK and BEAR, which means that everyone will be up now.