Felt bad, on Wednesday and Thursday after posting Tuesday, and after reading a lot of other people's blogs, about not making any spiritual resolutions for the new year. Then wondered why 1. I hadn't thought of it and 2. why I felt bad. I mean the new year, while a nice clean slate in many respects, is only the interim time between Advent and Lent, a limbo-ous time where I spin my wheels between liturgical events (the Christmas Pageant and the Great Vigil of Easter). Resolutions are immediately broken when the liturgical season changes (for me anyway) and I try to take on new resolutions. And, sadly, my expectations for spiritual growth have taken a beating this year. I know I will grow spiritually, but I don't want to think about it in advance, because God is so organized and I am not, and I once prayed for humility, and received it. And a few years ago prayed for faithfulness, and received it (ie General Convention 2003). And at the beginning of last year, when I had all kinds of hopes and plans, I prayed for God's will, and received it. So this year, I'm Not resolving, and I'm not asking. I know God will give me what I need anyway, I don't want to make it worse than it needs to be.
I shouldn't be so numb and vague. I've been trying for several days to put into words what this past year has been, and I've been coming up short every time. The best I can say, I guess, is that the last six months have been like God deep cleaning a room. When I deep clean, it looks awful in the process (I am actually deep cleaning the whole house, and everyone is complaining because of all the junk everywhere-I have everything out of cupboards, in no particular order, so that I can get to the back of the cupboard to dust and find junk to throw away). I'd say parts of this last year were awful, or awfully difficult. And all the time as I was plodding through, not paying much attention tripping over piles of junk and muck, God was throwing and dusting and purging and shaping and reorganizing. Such that come January 1st (miraculously in fact) many things had been put in order, including my time, my attitude, my work, my priorities and my expectations. I'm starting this new year humbler, quieter, more focused (I think) and more dependent on God. I don't know what he's planning to do with me. I haven't made many plans, except to clean the house and be in church, and pay attention to my children. As the communion unravels, it gets closer and closer to home, this house, our own quiet lives. It looks bleaker to me. We are worn by this long unresolved division. But sustained. And epxectent. I am only, then, resolved to watch and wait and see what happens, and be ready when it does.