an undercurrent of hostility

my talk last night at iv

2012-02-18T08:57:00.000-05:00

The total lack of blogging is not because I was actually writing this talk but because I was feeling guilty about not writing it and feeling I couldn't very well blog when I should be writing it. etc. etc. Anyway, here's the audio, which is vaguely different than the text here. And also, I said out loud, "Revelation Chapter One" when I obviously meant "Twenty-One". Have a great weekend!

Citizenship in the Kingdom of Heaven

I was tasked tonight to speak about citizenship in the kingdom of God, or the kingdom of Heaven. The word 'kingdom' is kind of arcane in this age. We live in an age of republics, democracies and political states. But we do understand the idea of citizenship. Citizenship comes with rights and responsibilities—and place, belonging in a definable, visible, geographical place.But it is more than that, isn’t it. Citizenship is more than a passport, or where you’re from. It is a legal status, certainly, but en more, it is a matter of identity and of the heart.

I grew up very far away from this city of Binghamton, as probably most of you have. My parents are American and I hold an American passport, but I was born in England and my earliest memories are of village life in Sub-Saharan Mali, West Africa a village far far away from the main road, whose name hearkens to the sound of a particular bird. My mom and dad were there to learn the language, write the language down, and begin to translate the bible—the scriptures of the old and new testament—into that language. It’s been a life's work for them. My dad is finally, after thirty plus years, ready to publish a dictionary of this language, AND in the last few years, the New Testament was completed and dedicated.

Now, you might be able to imagine, I am about as white as it comes. I was the only child that looked like me for at least 50 kilometers.I grew up in an in between space. Some people call it a third culture. I'm clearly not from Mali. And this visible difference buys me a lot of grace. I can say the greetings wrong, I can neglect to reciprocate a gift, I can give the wrong number of cola nuts to the village elder,and everyone cuts me some slack because I am a 'stranger', I am an alien. But of course, I try not to make mistakes, and when I do I apologize a whole lot and try to fix it.

But even though I am a stranger, Farakala is the place of my heart. When I think about where I want to spend all of eternity, both this life and the next, I look out the window of my house in the village, across the fields, up into the great vast African sky. When I imagine a perfect life it is one without electricity-where the lamps have to be filled and lit in the cool of the day.Where water is hauled up from the well, bucket by bucket, and stored in great cool clay jars. Of course, in this perfect life, I can do without pounding millet into flour all day and working hard in the fields, or grinding my own peanut butter, or loosing some of my children to malaria before they can walk. Life in Mali isn't all a fun happy picnic. But it is the place of my heart.

So the big trauma for me, in my life, was in returning 'home' to the country of my citizenship, of my passport.I had to go to college. I had to come 'home' and I did. But, you might have noticed, there are some white people here in the States. Lots more than in Africa. And so I don't really stick out like a sore thumb here, and as a result, there is a lot less grace. Like getting on the bus for the first time and trying to figure out how to stick your money in the slot and being yelled at by the bus driver for taking too long.Or, even worse, giving up the bus and learning to drive. Making change with dollars and cents instead of francs. Walking into a grocery store and then walking right back out again because the lighting is unbelievable and you can't just buy cornflakes. Honestly, where are the cornflakes—carefully hidden behind some fancy honey oat nut crunch cereal. I feel like a fish out of water here, still sometimes, though, gasp, it’s been almost 20 years. I'm not from here. What is most strange and alien to me is that my children think this is the center of the world. When they think of the place of their heart, they think of the play place at Wegman's, or the parish hall at Church of the Good Shepherd, or our cruddy toy filled basement. At least right now. Who knows, as they grow, what will be the landscape that lies at the back of their mind's eye, filtering everything for beauty.

In other words, I'm not talking about what your passport says, as we circle around Citizenship in the Kingdom of Heaven, I am asking you to think about something deeper. Where is your allegiance, where is your loyalty, where is your heart?

I think there should be a slide if someone could flash that up.I'm going to read out loud from the book of Hebrews, chapter 11.

By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. 9 By faith he went to live in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with him of the same promise. 10 For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God. ...13 These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. 14 For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. 15 If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.

We are going to have define the word 'faith', obviously, but let me pull out a couple of other names and phrases first, leaving 'faith' till last because it is so important.

Abraham, you might remember, heard from God, the true God, as distinct from all the other gods floating around in his day, and this God called him to an identity and purpose that was entirely distinct from anything else he had previously encountered. And the writer of this book tells us that he 'by faith' believed God and went away from his home, his family, his country, without knowing where he was going. This call of God, to this one man, Abraham, and the belief and trust in this call is so remarkable, so definitive, so immense, it sets up as a type throughout scripture. From Abraham you can trace through the centuries the call of God to both whole groups of people, but also to individuals to leave what is known and go somewhere else and do a particular task,live in a certain way, to be an alien and a stranger. You all, I am given to understand, this term are reading one of the most fascinating examples of this type, this call.

Daniel was captured, as nobility in Judah, he was particularly singled out to be taken to Babylon. And there he was to be fully integrated into the life of the court. Remembering, of course, that Babylon stands for, is a picture of all that is evil and wrong with the world. It is Babylon, in the book of Revelation, that stands for the pure evil of the Roman Empire, of the world as a whole. This is the Babylon into which Daniel and his friends were supposed to settle into and be comfortable and do work. And they do work. They are obedient. They learn the language and the law. They don't sit around moaning about how much they'd rather be somewhere else. But as you read through the whole book, you might get a sense that they are sort of always somewhere else. They eat and drink differently, they pray, they break the law strategically through peaceful civil disobedience. They dwell in but are not subsumed into Babylon. On the contrary, it is the King of Babylon is brought to his knees in humility and ruin—you haven't got that far yet. Daniel in particular retains his alien strangeness, his devotion to and love for God in this foreign land.

The writer of Hebrews tells us why Abraham and Daniel and so many others were willing to live this way.

10 For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God. ...

This city is the opposite Babylon. It is described in the book of Revelation chapter 21, let me just read the description for you.

2 And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Sounds really wonderful, doesn't it? But Abraham and Daniel didn't have a picture of this city. The writer of Hebrews interprets their, and here's that special word, 'faith' for us, giving it furniture, making into a picture we can see and understand. Faith is the key into this city, it is the only door in. So what is faith? The writer of Hebrews says this, "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

The two key words here are not 'not seen' but rather 'assurance' and 'conviction'. Assurance is like a promise. If I assure you of something, I am convincing you that it is true, that you don't need to worry, that whatever it is will be carried out. Conviction is a deep and strong belief or knowledge of something. Your convictions are something you aren't lightly going to fling away, I hope. Many people read this verse by itself and think 'well, here I go, leaping off into an abyss, hope God's on the other side'. Other people look at Christians and think, 'what fools. There clearly isn't anything there, what a bad idea.’ The writers of Hebrew's anticipates both these reactions. Instead of trying to explain his terms, as I've just done, or reason with you,he begins a documentation of the life of people, the witness of actual human beings who had this faith. He's calling, if you will, his witnesses forward to make his case. People we know exist. People whose stories have withstood the test of good history and time. In fact, he brings forward one event in human history so huge it was never disputed in its time—the Exodus had more than 600,000 eyewitnesses—as evidence that what he's calling 'faith' doesn't mean a blind leap into a dark chasm. His claim is that ‘faith’, true Faith, is grounded in solid, assured truths—maybe not visible truths, but truths that have been verified and validated in this world both in our hearts and before our eyes.

All these people have a conviction, an assurance of something we can't see. They were willing to leave everything they had, to travel far distances, in some cases to be killed or tortured, they were willing to forsake their own selves, everything for whatever this is.

I suggest to you that 'whatever this is' is not a belief system or a powerful idea or guilt or a desire to do good. Last week many of you were moved to good works, to compassion for others, to give so that others around the world might have water. And your speaker mentioned that some might give to just feel better for a time. That you might feel guilty, and so give. Or you might want to change the world, and so give. But that kind of motivation will only last a while before it becomes exhausting. The 'faith' described in this chapter of Hebrews always encompasses a whole life. Each person listed in the chapter didn’t do just one or two good things. Each whole life evidenced ‘faith’. Daniel, you will discover, never saw the land of Israel again. He died in Babylon, faithful. Abraham never went back to Ur of the Chaldeans. He died in a strange land, surrounded by strangers, hoping in a promise made to him that one day that land would belong to his children.

This 'whatever it is' that causes a person to leave everything behind is actually a person. And that person is Jesus. Abraham, Moses, Daniel, all of them were living for a Person who they could not see but who is far more real and true than anything they could touch or taste or see. And because they saw him and loved him and lived in him, their lives looked like his. Jesus himself is the perfect and complete culmination of the type of Abraham and Daniel. He left the place of heart, that is, the Godhead—the perfect love of God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit—and put on a body, put on the clothing of flesh and limitations and frailty and came to this far distant land to be with us, to know us, to speak our language, to follow our laws and finally to be killed by us. He came to establish, that is to set up or create, what, in the church, we call the Kingdom of Heaven.

The Kingdom of Heaven is the most real, the most powerful reality in the hearts and minds of those who love Jesus. It is the place where they live. It is always at the back of the mind's eye. It shapes everything. Now, of course, this kingdom isn't something you can visibly see—it has no walls, no boarders, no roads. In this way it is more powerful, more subversive than anything else on earth. It claims people, it spreads from one person to another to another, as the news about Jesus spreads, as individual people come to love him, he actually makes a home in them. When you come to love Jesus and give your whole self to him, he, through the Holy Spirit, lives in you. You become the boarders of his kingdom.Wherever you walk, there is the kingdom. Whatever you say, there is the kingdom. Whatever you do, it is done for the kingdom.

This places you in a somewhat awkward position, doesn't it? Because you visibly fit in here. No one can tell, just by looking at you, that you don't belong to this world, that your allegiance and love is fixed in a place and person no one can see—except maybe by the ridiculous beaming smile on your face. But they ought to be able to tell when you open your mouth, or choose your major, or whatever it is that you might be doing at that moment. Whatever you say or do, as a member of the Kingdom of Heaven will be to either tell the truth about that place and it’s King, or a lie.

In other words, your frame of reference, the way that you see things, your point of view, your world view—there are a thousand ways to describe it—will be more and more shaped by that whom you love and the place you long for. If that place and person is Jesus than there’s a chance, over time, you will look like Daniel, or Abraham, or any other of the people listed in Hebrews 11. If that place and person is you, or something else in this world, your eyes will not be fixed in the far distance. You will not have a sure hope in someone that has always been and will always be. You will stumble over yourself and over the things of this life and meet with grief and destruction.

If Jesus is the place and person of your heart, though, all the things that you can’t see with your eyes now, you will one day see. The heavenly city that I read about in Revelation will be the place where everyone who loves Jesus will live. The thing about it, is that you can live there already. In Jesus you have the key to go in and live there, to get used to it, to learn about what it’s like and how life will be. I hope very much that if you’ve never met this person, Jesus, you will begin to look for him tonight, to talk to someone here about him to find out more. And for those of you who know and love him already, my hope is that you will fix your eyes on that far distant city and to let your words and actions and life be shaped by the King.

the only thing that would make this better

2012-02-16T20:48:00.000-05:00

Me: K- will be here around 6:45 tomorrow.
Matt: What! Why!
Me, startled: To watch the children.
Matt: At 6:45?! Why?
Me: So we can go to IV, because I have to give the talk...
Matt, collapsing with relief: Oh. Oh. Oh that's good. I thought you meant 6:45 in the morning.
Me: She's going to bring some laundry, as payment.
Matt: What? I'm all done with the laundry! Why is she doing laundry?
Me, continuing startled: She needs to do some laundry. Its the least we can do.
Matt: Oh, Oh Oh, good. I thought you meant our laundry. She's going to watch our kids, and do our laundry.
Rolling on the Floor Laughing Out loud
Matt: That's the only thing that would make watching our kids better! Thanks so much for watching our kids, that'll be 20 bucks. What? We agreed 20 bucks.
He's still laughing. I'm going to bed.

it wasn't that I was too busy, it's just that I discovered angry birds

2012-02-13T21:57:00.000-05:00

Didn't in the least mean to drop out of this tiny universe for a week. Just got busy, I guess with...let me see...as I search my foggy mind...
I caught a cold
and so did all the children
and the baby turned one (OMW, I don't know how to cope with this terrible fact)
and Romulus lost his first tooth (OMW, I don't know how to cope with this terrible fact, his round freckled face and a whole tooth gone, he can't possibly be old enough for this)
and Marigold, instead of walking down the broad wide road of destruction struck up a brisk trot
she
loves
to
push
the
water
dispenser
on
the
fridge
and
I
am
going
to
lose
my
mind.
So there you are.
We're plugging away at school and trying to do more than the basics. Every day I try not to whine about how great we had it in the fall and then Christmas had to come and ruin it. Lent starts in a few days. And I've got a big lovely talk to write for Inter Varsity this Friday. They very foolishly asked me to come talk and so I've got to say something, hopefully not just anything. Actually, I have a lot of words on the paper but they need to be reassembled into some kind of better and more fascinating order. So, perhaps, um, I might be back tomorrow. One can always hope.

the end of the season

2012-02-06T15:37:00.000-05:00

We all watched the Superbowl together. After making it through an entire season of football I felt it would be bad form to miss this game and SO didn't go to sleep in the middle of the first quarter and wake up in the middle of the fourth, (which is how I've managed to "see" an entire season of football).

Anyway, we ate guacamole and chips, pizza, which Gladys helped make, tater-tots and mayonnaise (not me, I didn't eat the tater-tots), and pork.

Alouicious and I rooted for the Giants against Matt who broke his picking rules (Dallas first, south over north, west over east) because he just hates the Giants (I Know! He's lived here for ten years!).

The children all hung on to the bitter end to see the conference of the trophy, which was so so so gross from all the kissing, bleh. It was hard to tell when the trophy had actually been given but eventually we managed to convince them it had and they had to go to bed.

Alouicious' joy at having his pick win was bested only by the fact that Matt's had lost. He mentioned it several times last night and then came down here at 6:50 this morning to tell us again.

I must say, after getting over my rage that PBS would schedule TWO Downton Abbey episodes during the game (I'm sure as some kind of smack against middle America, I mean Why Else!) I was overcome with sadness that the whole season is over. I'd kind of gotten use to all the grossly overweight men in tight clothes crashing into each other, the blond in the bodysuit singing about how great football is, the bizarre fact that there are basically two separate teams--offense and defense--and so everybody only plays half the time!?!, the myriad interesting names that all the players and coaches have, and especially the strangely dressed commentators. Why, I wonder week after week, do the two men reporting the game have to stand So close together?

society for the prevention of cruelty to animals

2012-02-04T09:16:00.002-05:00

Being the awesome and involved mother that I am, I went with Elphine on a little field trip on Wednesday to the SPCA in Ithaca. Wow. Talk about the hilton of SPCA's....I don't even know how to complete that sentence. Each dog has a private room and the cats have little sort of condos with gorgeous big windows and climbing structures. The animals receive up to date and thorough dental care--we watched a cat sleeping peacefully while having its teeth cleaned and a cavity drilled--not to mention medical care. The dogs are walked and played with individually every day and the cats are petted and played with. Each room had the name of whoever payed for the room and a quote by that person about some particular animal they loved in some kind of hip font. The front desk was modern and pristine with ultra modern fancy chairs so the person coming to consider an animal would be comfortable and feel happy.

"We work really hard," said our guide, "to place our animals in a forever home."

As we went round and looked at everything she often spoke of an animal's "forever home."

And me, in my sarcastic nasty way, kept thinking all the time
1. so many babies deserve a 'forever home' but never manage to see the light of day. No slick beautiful individualized birthing center for them. No birth at all in fact.
and
2. so many people around the world would love to have these nice rooms to live in--clean, bright, food, water, medical, dental care.

Now, of course, as a political conservative, and a christian (oh shoot, those should have been put the other way round, oops) I don't for a second begrudge all the lovely cats and dogs at that nice shelter the lovely and wonderful care they're receiving. And I'm delighted that they are all adopted and they avoid so much suffering. Except that the whole place, what with it being Ithaca and all, just breathed an air of moral superiority. As far as I can see, animals, in the west, are a thousand times more valued than people. I speak hyperbolicly of course. It's probably more like two thousand times more. We pour money out like water for our animals. Me included. I spent 400$ once for a cat ultrasound of all things for a cat that then died.

"Animals are so special" our guide said, "they love us and accept us and are always happy to see us when we come home."

Well, that's true. And people can be rotten mean. And turn out badly. And cost a ton more money. And not be happy to see us when we come home. Maybe I've been reading too much Mark Steyn lately but it just seems like as a society we've given up. We're not interested in the work. We want a warm cuddly to see us through our days but can't be bothered to relate to other people in a meaningful way, to care for one another through the difficulty and mess of human life.

"What should you do" the guide asked toward the end, "if you see someone being unkind to an animal?" The girls in the group thought about it and decided it would be good to tell a grown up.
"That's right," said the guide, "or you can call the police, because its against the law to be unkind to an animal." She gazed at us meaningfully and paused to let the full weight of this important message sink in. My own child is very interested in the law. This impressed her very much. I don't think she was planning to be unkind to an animal, but the threat of the law will certainly bring her in line. Of course, other times, we've talked about how the law allows us to kill babies before they're born, just because we want to.

I didn't bring it up on this occasion. We went home thinking about that future day when we will convince Matt to let us have a puppy, because dogs and cats are wonderful and we love caring for them. But more than that, let me just buck the cultural trend, I love the church because in the church people struggle to relate to one another and care for one another and do the hard work of building relationships even when its very painful and hard. And we don't need money or fancy stuff or nice fonts, we really only need Jesus who comes into the middle of it all and gives us himself.

february--it hasn't started but it could be really bad

2012-01-31T11:52:00.000-05:00

My children seriously lost intelligence and knowledge over the weekend. After doing two quarters worth of math, reading, writing and a lot of other stuff, they apparently don't know how to read or write or add or subtract or multiply or anything. Romulus, after knowing the letters 'a', 'n' and 'd' and having before put them together into a word, doesn't know what 'a' says.
"Does it say 't'?" he asked several times.
Instead of screaming at everyone I took a long hot shower and flat ironed my hair. Then I came back and screamed.

It is almost February, so I guess its reasonable for everyone to become a little bit dumber. I don't have any plans to avoid burn out this month. My only plan, actually, is to keep shoving the cat off the dining room table and forcing everybody to keep working until they prove to be not as stupid as they appear now. And I guess I can write some more Sunday School lessons and do a bunch of pre-lent planning. And keep praying against the snow. And knit some more hats or something.

more technical idiocy

2012-01-30T21:35:00.000-05:00

I accidentally deleted another comment. I should probably be banned from blogging. Sorry Kat!
My thumbs must be much fatter than they feel. I mean, they don't look fat, but you'd be surprised how fat they become as they approach the screen of my awesome phone. SORRRYYYY!!!!

a little global cooling

2012-01-30T09:33:00.000-05:00

So it seems we're in store for a mini ice age. I can't tell you want incredible disappointment this is to me.
This, in particularly, sounds ghastly,

Meanwhile, leading climate scientists yesterday told The Mail on Sunday that, after emitting unusually high levels of energy throughout the 20th Century, the sun is now heading towards a ‘grand minimum’ in its output, threatening cold summers, bitter winters and a shortening of the season available for growing food.

I've never really understood the panic about global warming. When has the earth's temperature ever been static? We have evidence that its gone way up and way down over millenia (she says blithely, not lifting a finger to source this interesting assertion--hardy har har). But of course, we like what we know, and we can't imagine how we'll cope if things change.

a week of eating or something

2012-01-27T14:59:00.001-05:00

Monday
Child: "Wh
a's for breakfast?"
Matt: "Toast. Make yourself some toast."
Child, incredulously: e"Really. I can make toast?"
Matt: "Yup. And you can make it for your brothers and sisters."
Child, disappointedly: "Oh, I have to make toast?"
Tuesday
Child: "What is this?"
Me: "Delicious Oatmeal."
Child: "Is that what its called? Delicious Oatmeal?"
Me: "That's what its called.
Child, dubiously, "Oh."
Wednesday
Child: "We're having bread for breakfast?"
Me: "Yup."
Child: "What kind of bread?"
Me: "Oatmeal Bread."
Other Child: "NO. Delicious Oatmeal Bread."
Thursday
Me to child trying to eat noodles out of the dustpan: "Yuck."
Child: "Huh?"
Me: "YUCK!"
Child: "Huh?"
Me, handing child noodles not covered in dust: "Yum."
Child: "Yuck."
Friday
Me to all the children: "Do you want pancakes or cheerios?"
All but one child: "Pancakes!"
One Child, Weeping: "Cheerios. I waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnttttttttt cheeeerios!"
All the other children: "That's stupid."
Me: "Don't say stupid."

Technical Idiocy

2012-01-25T20:44:00.000-05:00

This afternoon I inadvertently deleted a very nice comment from Jim B. I'm SO SORRY! Thank you for commenting! Please comment again and I'll try to get it right!

And also, someone mentioned that its horribly hard to comment on blogger. Does anyone have knowledge about how to make it easier? (she inquires of the interwebs)

a book has been read

2012-01-25T07:41:00.000-05:00

Congratulate me!
I finished an actual book. Four years ago while I was in labor with Gladys, I started reading The Pickwick Papers and Last Night I finished it!

I imagine everyone reading this will fall into one of two camps.
Either you will think, 'that's amazing! What a huge book! How persistent she is! Would that I could also finish reading an actual book'
or you will think, 'are you kidding? FOUR years to read a book! I read 57 books in one month. What a looser! I'm never reading this blog again."

Either way I hope you will congratulate me and muffle your righteous disdain in your sleeve. I think for my next venture I will try to finish reading Black Lamb Gray Falcon which I started in 1998. By the time I finish it we will have all moved on from the internet to the next great thing and some of us will be living on the moon, or in caves beating each other with clubs, whichever turn civilization happens to take.

worn and weary

2012-01-23T09:23:00.000-05:00

Should I be thankful for the insanity of this current election cycle or start crying out to God for relief from all the suffering? Its kind of a toss-up this morning.

I love politics so much. The debates are so dramatic, interesting and suspenseful. Its like a great and ridiculous novel unfolding morning by morning--poll numbers flinging themselves up and down, pundits screaming wildly into the radio and tv, twitter feeds twinkling across my phone and computer, candidates grinning grudgingly and foolishly as they try to move the country to like them just a little bit. Why wouldn't I enjoy and be thankful for every moment of this ghastly display?

On the other hand, enough already. There's a debate tonight, the State of the Union tomorrow, a debate Thursday, bla bla bla. I don't generally watch tv during the week. I watch football on the weekend as an act of love for my husband who seems to like it (although, strangely, he gets so angry, shouting at various players and throwing things when it looks like the giants are going to win. Do you know, Every Single Team he has rooted for this season has Lost? Remarkable) and on Friday evenings we try together to watch something we can agree upon. The pool of agreeable films and programs, however, seems to diminish every week. And that's it. Not a constant stream of politics on the tv and radio Every Single Night.

But if I don't keep up, I will miss something, won't I? And how awful that would be.

for a sunday evening

2012-01-22T19:49:00.000-05:00

We sang this this morning in our main service.

And the words, which are well worth just praying on their own:

1. I greet Thee, who my sure Redeemer art,
My only trust and Savior of my heart,
Who pain didst undergo for my poor sake;
I pray Thee from our hearts all cares to take.

2. Thou art the King of mercy and of grace,
Reigning omnipotent in every place;
So come, O King, and our whole being sway;
Shine on us with the light of Thy pure day.

3. Thou art the life, by which alone we live,
And all our substance and our strength receive;
Oh comfort us in death's approaching hour,
Strong-hearted then to face it by Thy power.

4. Thou hast the true and perfect gentleness,
No harshness hast Thou and no bitterness;
Make us to taste the sweet grace found in Thee
And ever stay in Thy sweet unity.

5. Our hope is in no other save in Thee;
Our faith is built upon Thy promise free;
Oh grant to us such stronger help and sure,
That we can boldly conquer and endure.

seven quick takes: competition, conflict and chinese new year

2012-01-20T09:28:00.000-05:00

one

Alouicious woke me up at 7:00 by shoving his writing book under my nose to find out what he should do. Yesterday, Elphine had all her work done by 1pm which caused, apparently, Alouicious nearly to cry with rage that she then had the day at her disposal and he had frittered the time away not accomplishing one thing. So now they are in a mad race to finish everything ahead of each other. And I say, 'Praise the Lord.'

two

Speaking of competition, Marigold lay on the floor screaming for 20 minutes this morning because she was given a smaller container of milk than the baby. But she drinks less milk! Had to take turns holding them each as they screamed with rage at the others very existence.

three

Gladys and Romulus, in light of all the swirling conflict, launched into some kind of argument about who should brush some doll's hair and whether or not the doll is 'old fashioned'. Romulus, I observed, has achieved that singularly male downward turn of the voice at the end of a pronouncement denoting authority and knowledge together. In a matter of 3 minutes he had whipped Gladys into her own screaming rage.

four

Last night Matt and I were on the edge our seats watching the Republican debate. I had to keep leaving the room to freak out and Matt was punching various cushions. At the rate we're going at home, we could easily stage as interesting and volatile a debate for the nation, on Any Subject.

five

I know the Chinese New Year doesn't begin until Monday but we have two parishioners who left on Wednesday for China for this very celebration and I had the weird wherewithal to make some pseudo Chinese soup and rice pancakes and read to the children about it AND while we were at it, watch an interesting documentary in the evening. I say this not to impress anyone, but because I am so shocked we managed it. Virtually every holiday, religious or otherwise (excepting Christmas and Easter) passes us by in a discouraging blur as we cling to any kind of routine. Perhaps when all the children can walk we'll become even more celebratory.

six

The documentary included the filming of a young Chinese gymnast preparing for the Olympics. Elphine watched transfixed as they told about her practicing 8 hours a day and seeing her father only for a few hours on Saturday. I think we've successfully cut gymnastics out of any future picture. And I say again, 'Praise the Lord.'

seven

And now I hear more screaming in the background. It sounds like there is an argument between Romulus and Gladys about who has finished their work first.

Have a great weekend and go check out Jen!

2012-01-18T14:00:00.001-05:00

Just thought I would try posting from my awesome phone. I'm sitting here on the couch staring at five baskets of laundry and a table full of half done school work and a bunch of crumbled muffin on the floor trying work up the moral responsability to call the children away from their dance party to resume their work. But maybe just five more minutes.

In praise of classical writing

2012-01-17T10:18:00.000-05:00

I don't usually get into the minutia of curriculum here (but why not! It is listed on the side as topics I might discuss). For one thing, I don't want to bore everyone. And for another, in many ways, it doesn't entirely matter at this level of the game. As long as you do everything every day, one set of materials is probably as good as another. However, I just want to sing the praises of Classical Writing for a minute.

The very first thing is that their materials are really well made and lovely to work with. Alouicious' primer books are well laid out and easy to follow. They encompass reading good and worthy short stories to narrate and draw, beautiful art to copy and write about, nature study, copy work, and a little bit of light grammar and spelling (to supplement what we're already doing). There are three primers for the year and we are happily moving into the second one with joy and delight. Alouicious, who wines about everything, saves it for last because he likes it best.

Elphine is under the mistaken impression, right now, that she hates writing. But that is just because she is trying to be a diva and will soon, I hope, leave that ridiculousness behind. She is in the Aesop book and does about two thirds of the work in each week. The other third we abandon for other kinds of writing, mainly science and geography research and writing. Her book is also laid out well and there is plenty of room to analyze and pull apart the text at hand, write it, and then write it again.

I particularly like that both books are laid out by day and week. You can open it up to the day you're on and start working. It is helped us to keep on track and remember to do it.
And now, once more, into the breach!

seven quick takes

2012-01-13T13:24:00.001-05:00

one

The baby is really walking. If she's holding a cookie she will walk the length of the living room. She is extremely pleased with herself. Marigold continues cloudy.

two

Elphine had to write a little paragraph about the meeting of Alexander the Great and Diogenes. I don't generally like to brag but I particularly thought her dialogue and various turns of phrase were riveting. Here is her little vignette (all lovely spelling has been corrected to perfection--boo--because that was part of the assignment). You're welcome to skip it unless you're a grand parent.

The Wise Man

by Elphine

There was once a very wise man named Diogenes. One day, while he was saying wise things to himself and lying in the sun, a great king came to see him just as everyone did. However, Diogenes did not care whether or not the King, Alexander, came to see him.
Alexander said, "I have heard a lot about you. I will do anything you like."
"I know what I would like," said Diogenes.
"You do?" said the king.
"Yes" replied Diogenes.
"What?" asked the king.
"I would like for you to move,"said Diogenes, "you are blocking the sun."
The king did move and said to his soldiers, "Do not hurt this man. If I was not the king, I would be this man."

three

I gave up NPR for Advent and have been So Blessed as a result. I turned it back on this morning to see if they were saying anything interesting and turned it back off a minute and a half later. My life is so calm and peaceful now and the children don't have to listen to me screaming at the radio or flinging myself across the room to shut it off because they're talking about graphic homosexuality at EIGHT TWENTY ON A FRIDAY MORNING! Honestly!!!!

four

Tim Keller's marriage book is so so so good. I appear to be much more happily and easily married than he is (unless he's being all hyperbolic for book sales--see smashing china section--which I perfectly understand because if you can't be hyperbolic for your reading public what can you be?) but am finding its theological depth so good. I can't recommend it enough, even and especially if you find yourself happily and euphorically married.

five

Matt bailed me out of the laundry this week. He blew through the whole mountain in two and a half days, vomit incident included. He carried it up for me to fold and then, brace yourself, the children put it away.

six

I've come to the conclusion that Marigold looks like me. She has my shape of face and her eyes have a steeliness about them. And everything she does seems so insincere. I try to tell myself that its just the way she appears but sometimes I think I'm fooling myself. She just looks so sarcastically ironic. Like when she's playing she's both playing and mocking the idea of playing and mocking you thinking that she's playing.

seven

We went to the library this morning to pay our enormous fine and now we're going to do art for the rest of the day because we're so behind. That's right! No math or spelling for you! only drawing, painting (well, probably not painting) and looking and beautiful paintings.

Have a great weekend and go check out Jen!

now that christmas is over

2012-01-09T18:00:00.000-05:00

It seems time finally to post some gratuitous baby/children pictures from the last few weeks.

Here is Marigold badly in need of a haircut and an attitude adjustment. She picked out the shoes herself--shunning the pretty black patent leather for her favorite red clunker shoes.

Here is Matt after the Christmas Pageant on Christmas Eve administering libations to people like me who were filled with relief and joy that the pageant went off So Beautifully! I await with eagerness seeing the video (I know someone taped it, surely) and pictures by Andrea Kovac.

We came home from the service that night and ate three very nice cheeses, a pate de compagne, a gorgeous loaf of bread, olives, those little tiny hot dog things wrapped in pastry, and mussels in white wine with a little bit of onion and garlic. I ate far to much and didn't sleep well, but it was worth it.

Here is Elphine and Marigold. Lately, Marigold has required that Elphine carry her everywhere on her back--everywhere! And Elphine is very nice about it especially as Marigold is a fat chunk of a toddler now, eating everything in sight.

Romulus with his new flashlight, doing what he does best, which is to lie on the floor and moan gently about there being too much work. This from the child who has only one job--gather the clothes off the stairs and put them in the laundry hampers. That's it. Just gather the clothes and, no, don't interrupt or lie down, gather the clothes and carry them into the laundry room and put them, no not on the floor, In the Hampers.

Gladys got a little notebook and a fancy pen which she carries with her everywhere, making little marks that look sort of like letters and explaining them to anyone who will listen. Every time we sat down to watch a movie she began talking and kept on until the movie was over. Strangely, we managed to see five different versions of The Christmas Carol over the course of ten days.

The boys received boys and arrows from the bosom of Santa who ought to be stopped. Elphine has a pretty good steady hand and in this fine clement weather has been working at it a little every day.

This is the Sunday of Advent 4. There are 20 or 30 of these pictures and only two of them turned out.

Here is Gladys in her Christmas dress on Christmas Eve. Everything was wrong. The seam of her tights was not fitting over her toes correctly, her little pantaloons wouldn't stay on the right way, her hair kept needing to be combed. In short, she was a miserable wreck. Nearly didn't participate in the pageant as a result of everything in life being so difficult. Changed her mind at the last moment and turned out to be a perfect angel (bwahaaaaaaa, get it, she was an angel in the pageant, get it?).

These aren't in proper order. Here Elphine, Romulus and Alouicious are all watching Matt showing them how its done.

So everything is finally put away and we've had a miserable first week of school back. I did make some New Year's resolutions, for the first time in a long time. I'm going to seriously read books, hopefully every day, and I'm going to try to recover my love of cooking. My husband has become such a good cook that I'd sort of given up. So last week I made meatballs.

Tomorrow I'm going to make a meat pie and Wednesday I have determined, God willing, to make a cheese souffle. Matt, apparently, has never seen or tasted a souffle (that spelling doesn't look right) so he won't know if its not as it should be. And now it is time to stop this and find out why every single child is crying or shouting.

the cut and thrust of national politics

2012-01-08T18:15:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I haven't been blogging because I'm obsessed with politics. Really....Obsessed.....

So obsessed that I stayed up till 1am watching the Iowa Caucus returns and then Got Up Early to read the spin. To put it another way, I suffered a bad bad week of school because of my constant attention to the news and spin cycle.

I've never really been obsessed with anything. I mean, of course, when I fell in love with Matt I thought about him a lot and wanted to be with him all the time. And when you have a new baby you kind of think about that a lot. But politics. Wow. SO Exciting.

I say this even sort of resigned to a horrible Romney win and an Obama reelection (blech). Its the process and spin that utterly fascinate me. So. I'm going to try to blog more this week, but I can't make any promises. I HAVE to pull off a full week of school. But I'll probably be up late Tuesday night which will make Wednesday, Thursday and Friday really awful. And then the next week, and then the week after that. I guess I could break my cardinal rule of not blogging about politics. hmmm. Anyway, check you later! I'm looking to watch this morning's debate one way or another!

PS. I'm coming up on writing post number one thousand. How crazy is that! I missed my five year blogging anniversary. I feel like I should organize some kind of party. Suggestions?

my sermon from this morning: luke 2

2012-01-01T23:17:00.000-05:00

Good Morning! Happy New Year! Today is a big day in the church. Besides being the first day of the new year, it is also the Second Sunday of Christmas AND Holy Name Day. Christmas, you might now, goes on for 12 days before Epiphany and we're only on Day 8 so I hope you'll rush home from here and eat some more pie or whatever your decadent food of choice might be. Because really, the feast and joy of the Incarnation is so big and so wonderful, that an ongoing party is in order. I now feel guilty for already taking my tree down.

A few of you were here last Sunday, Christmas Day,

when we looked at verses 1 through 7 of Luke chapter 2.

This week we're in verses 8 through 21.

Turn there with me.

If we were to look carefully back through chapters one and two of Luke,

which, don't worry,

we won't really do, we would notice a pattern.

Luke describes three announcements

(and, if we were to jump over to Matthew we would see a fourth).

In the first, Zechariah is visited by an Angel,

told by the angel not to be afraid,

and given the news of an impending miracle.

He and his wife, who are both very old,

will have a son.

The name of the child is given--John--

and his purpose and mission is declared.

Zechariah is given a chance to respond,

which he does badly--

he asks for a sign--

and is struck dumb.

In the same chapter

Mary is visited by an Angel,

admonished not to be afraid

and told of an impending miracle,

that she,

though very young and unmarried, and having never known a man,

will have a son.

She is given the name of the child

and his purpose and mission.

She is given a chance to respond,

which she does properly,

by not asking for a sign but by asking for clarifying information,

"how will this be?'.

Now in chapter two, we have a third announcement.

Shepherds are visited by an Angel,

told not to be afraid,

and given the news of a miracle.

Shepherds, whom, you know,

are such a fitting recipient of this particular news,

what with David having been a shepherd before he was a king,

what with us being likened all the time to sheep

who go astray

and need to be brought back to safety and home,

what with the person we're all here to think about this morning

being called The Good Shepherd.

Shepherds,

Luke tells us,

these shepherds were in the field,

keeping watch over their flock by night.

They live out there,

in the field, taking care of the sheep.

They are as uncomfortable as Mary and Joseph

have probably been on their whole long journey.

They are some of the most marginal of society.

These are probably paid steward, these shepherds,

paid to live with the animals and keep them safe.

They had to be with the sheep all the time.

They were probably pretty isolated.

They wouldn't be able to drop everything

and go to feasts and holy days at the temple.

They wouldn't have had networks of family and friends

they could be with in town.

But they had to be near by Jerusalem,

because many many of their sheep were destined for the temple

where the sacrificing went on every day, morning and evening.

There they are, out in the field, keeping their sheep safe.

The Angel appears to them

but instead of telling them about something that is going to happen,

he tells them what has happened Right Now, Today.

Not an impending miracle,

a miracle that is this moment alive and well.

And he doesn't give the name of this miracle,

he gives three titles and a sign--

A Savior who is Christ the Lord.

And this shall be a sign--a baby.

but the sign is itself the miracle.

This is Good News for all people.

And then,

before the shepherds have a chance to respond to the announcement,

as in the previous two times,

the angel is joined by a "heavenly host".

The angels of heaven are there, in the darkness,

singing and singing and singing.

Then the shepherds respond.

They pack everything up and go looking for the sign the angel has given.

Do they take their sheep?

For what Shepherd, looking for a lost sheep,

does he not leave the 99 in the field

and go looking for the one,

and when he has found it,

gather it up and bring it home and call to all his neighbors,

'rejoice for me, for that which was lost has been found!'

They go,

they get up and go and its the middle of the night so who knows,

maybe they wake some people up and ask around,

or maybe they wander around looking for the only people who are up

and those people happen to be Mary and Joseph.

Now, new babies do sort of belong to everyone, don't they?

There's something about a baby that calls out to the center of everyone--

hardened steely eyed make up masked skinny jean clad

teenage girls in Target,

weary laboring middle aged men at Shepherd's Bowl,

little children,

grandmotherly types who wish they were holding a grand baby--

a baby is for everyone.

But usually a baby is not for everyone right after its born

right in the middle of the night

in some cruddy feeding trough.

But this is a new sign that will be for all the people.

This new holy family is not Mary and Joseph and a Baby.

This new holy family is Mary, Joseph, a baby, Zechariah, Elizabeth, John,

a crowd of marginalized shepherds,

Simeon, Anna,

some wise men,

Peter, James, John, Mary and Martha, Paul, Stephen, Titus--

it will take me a while to name all those in the new holy family.

We are in this new holy family.

This baby is the first born of creation.

If you are found in him and know him and love him,

then he is your brother

and everyone else who believes in him

and is found in him is your brother or sister.

You may be isolated,

on the margin,

not in a very comfortable or good space,

not surrounded by human family you are close to or who love you,

so this good news is for you today.

I was always sort of worried about Mary,

invaded by all these shepherds in the middle of the night,

but to be visited by family,

who know who your baby is and are prepared to love him?

That kind of visitor is welcome.

And the Shepherds go and tell everyone what they've seen,

and Mary gathers all the things she has seen

and "ponders them in her heart".

All these things bear thinking about,

they invite deeper thought and consideration,

they are worth sitting down at your kitchen table for a few minutes of quiet

and not cluttering up all your internal emotional and intellectual space

with another to-do list

or a re-visitation of how someone has hurt you

or what on earth to do about your difficult and wayward child

but instead sitting and reading these familiar lines over

and thinking about the strangeness of humility,

the counter-intuitiveness of humility--

that God, who has everything

and knows everything

and sees everything

and can do all his holy will,

that all his holy will would include coming down to us.

God, since the beginning, has always been coming down.

We look up at the night sky and think about how we can go up,

brick by brick of good work and intellectual acumen,

building little towers to the sky,

making names for ourselves,

showing ourselves to ourselves to be worthy of God by our care for others,

our being on top of our careers,

or whatever it is that we think will get us into the good graces of whatever cosmic thing there is out there.

We build a tower and rejoice in the strength of our own arm.

And God, in response to our pride and self sufficiency,

when he could just speak a word and blow it all to smithereens,

instead he comes down.

He comes down into the garden in the cool of the day

to talk to Adam and Eve.

He comes down the ladder to show Jacob himself.

He comes down in a pillar of fire and a pillar of cloud.

He comes down and settles on the mountain and speaks with Moses--

for 40 days and 40 nights he speaks with Moses.

He gives instructions for building the Ark of the Covenant--

a rectangular box overlaid with gold with angel wings on top--

and says it is his throne, his footstool,

that he will sit on it and be present with his people.

And then the temple is built and while everyone is singing

and playing all their instruments

he comes down and fills the whole temple with his glory.

He comes down into the furnace of fire

and walks back and forth with his servants in exile.

He comes down to live in Mary and be born

and live his first few days in a barn

to be with a world that isn't looking for him,

doesn't know or care who he is--

so busy we are with building and building and building and building

a tower of corruption up to heaven.

I've left over talking about the name of this baby,

the titles given by the angel, the description of this person,

the name God gives to Moses on the mountain.

The Lord who is steadfast love and mercy.

The Lord who gives mercy to a thousand generations.

It is an ancient name, born in the heart of the Old Testament.

Given to the one who brought the people of God

into the safety and security of the promised land.

Given to babies over centuries.

And finally, given by God himself,

to this new sign,

this fountainhead of redemption.

His name is a holy name,

there is no other name under heaven by which men—

you and me—

might be saved.

The name is itself the miraculous purpose and mission of God.

The name given is Jesus

and it means Yahweh Saves.

The Lord Saves.

The Lord, the promised one, the Christ, is the who Saves.

The idea of a savior is lately worn out and tired.

It is out of fashion to say that who God is in himself is a savior.

And the church likes to keep up with the times.

And so we adjust things to cater to a culture

that would rather attend to its own salvation itself.

Like an everlasting toddler--

I do it myself,

we say, adding another brick of shoddy inadequate work

to our tower of self made salvation.

I spent a couple hours of my week off watching youtube clips

of technology announcements.

I watched the Kindle Fire announcement a few times,

and then the little demo where they scroll through all the stuff

and you discover that you can read books but

Also be on facebook and everything else we all love.

Its such a cool little device.

And then Matt bought me an awesome phone

and so I watched a lot of clips about that.

But really,

we all know the Good News of Great Joy which shall be for All the People

was Steve Jobs standing there in his jeans and black turtleneck,

gaunt,

talking about the iphone and ipad and icloud.

Technology saves, for a few minutes.

Food saves, for an evening.

A grudge can save you from having to forgive.

Not coping with the complexities of this life can save you from reality.

Failure can save you from responsibility.

Responsibility can save you from failure.

Anything can save you,

for a few minutes for a day or maybe even a while.

But its not very long

before you have to cast about for a new savior

to keep together your crumbling wall.

The Lord Saves.

From before time,

from before sin,

from before all things,

the name of the Lord was Salvation.

And in the work of his saving he came down here.

And in the saving of you he will go into the depths,

the blackness of your heart.

Do you think the manger wasn't that great?

It was cleaner and more lovely than your heart.

Do you think the night around the shepherds was black?

It was not so black as the sin you guard and keep so jealously against the light of Jesus' saving name.

Do you think you are too low?

That God would have to go too far down?

He has already left the 99,

standing in the field,

rejoicing with the host of the heavenly angels,

and has gone out to find you.

He will seek and seek until he finds you.

This is good news for you.

How will you respond?

You don't need to ask for a sign.

The sign has already been given.

You can ask for clarifying information but all that you need is in here.

Better to throw yourself in with the shepherds.

Get up and go worship with the one who came down to be with you,

the one who saves.

for your reading pleasure

2011-12-26T16:18:00.000-05:00

The house is awash in toys and puzzle pieces, the laundry is piled up, the cool remote control helicopter doesn't work, so I've retreated to the internet for some sanity.

Mark Steyn, as usual, is brilliant.

And on a similar subject, here's Tim Challies. I would add to his interesting and astute cultural observation that this same principle is very much at work in All the clothes women are expected to wear today. Fashions of the past were generous and suited to the motherly life giving figure. It was possible to give birth to children and wear clothes afterwards that were flattering and suited to the physical impact pregnancy and childbirth have on the human body. Now the expectation is to return to the clothes and body of yourself before children. I am constantly struggling to return to myself Before children so that I can wear clothes--any clothes and also clothes that might be lovely and make me look like a normal person. And by normal, we all know that means a young (not aged in any way) rail thin woman who hasn't had six children. And so far I've swam in that pool unthoughtfully. But I read this post recently and found it to be really helpful.

Anyway, its the second day of Christmas, I'm going to go put my fat pants on and eat another piece of white bread. Happy cultural criticism!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-26T00:15:00.000-05:00

I'm watching a cool documentary about earthquakes on Matt's new Kindle Fire while he snores loudly. He outdid himself in the way of goose, Brussels sprouts (that can't be right, is that really how you spell that?), Cornish game hens, mashed potatoes, gravy, and the sermon in church. Its the first time I managed to get to church on Christmas day. The girls thought they would come but then changed their minds and ran back home to keep playing. Everyone really played wildly and devotedly for the whole day. Well, I say everyone, but I obviously mean the children. I didn't play. I made bread and Yorkshire pudding and weirdly, decided to flame my persimmon pudding. It didn't flame very much but it was really delicious, if I say so myself. And the table, which I neglected to take pictures of, was beautiful thanks to Matt's mom and aunt.

So obviously I'm just being stupid now. Being that its 12:14 and everyone will wake up shortly and want to know what my problem is and why I'm not rising with a song on my lips and joy in my heart. Merry Christmas! May all 11 days remaining be beautiful for you.

a little gift to you

2011-12-21T22:36:00.000-05:00

maniacal laughter

2011-12-13T07:37:00.000-05:00

Feel led to blog....can't think of anything to blog about today.
HAHAHAHA
Sorry, I just have Adrian Plass stuck in my head all the time.
I do have lots of things to blog about but more pressing is the fact that Matt's parents are coming in four days and there are a myriad of ways in which I am not a tiny bit ready for this occurrence, among them being my intention to pull off a full week of school, get my laundry room into sparkly order, do a little more painting, finish a bunch of presents, move the girls out of the guestroom into some other bedrooms, and just generally be on top of everything in my life. In other words, it would be deeply irresponsible of me to blog this week, And Yet, I probably will because that's what I do when I am trying to avoid reality. I think I've had it in my mind that this coming weekend is Christmas. Found it a great relief when I looked at the calender yesterday and found this to not be the case.

7 quick takes

2011-12-09T08:16:00.001-05:00

one

The four oldest have been invited to a birthday party this evening. May the Almighty help me not to scream at the next child who comes in and asks, again, if its time to go yet. Not for another 9 hours, Buster, NINE HOURS.

two

Tomorrow is the Christmas bake sale at church. May the Almighty help me not to scream at the next child who comes in and asks, again, if its time for the bake sale.....

three

I'm pretty sure today is the final push to paint the last rooms upstairs. And start moving all the girls into one room. We'll see if the intervening months have caused Marigold to become a better, less violent person. I doubt it. I took three cheerios out of her bowl just now to give to the baby and she tried to hit me. Almost every day I praise God that toddlers have no power whatsoever. Can you imagine the level of devastation upon the face of the earth? I can and it makes me shudder.

four

It seems that lots and lots of people at Good Shepherd are very sick--bronchitis, pneumonia, a throwing up bug, various infections. Rather than worrying, which is what I've been doing all week, going to try spending big portions of the day praying for healing for them all and that we continue not to get it.

five

All my kitchen cabinets close. For the first time since we moved here All The Kitchen Cabinets Close! Thank you John! (And also, thank you so so much for removing that horrible toy knight from our lou. All the day long we go on being so grateful.)

six

It snowed enough yesterday for the children to go out in it. Took FORTY MINUTES to get everyone dressed, and that didn't include the baby who stayed in. Completely exhausted after all the struggle but had to immediately begin making vast amounts of food and hot chocolate against the moment they all came back in. Didn't start school until 10:30 and then forgot to do noon prayer and so had to do part of Matt's office hours. Rushed home in the afternoon to force the children to do history and geography before the magical hour of World Girl. Went to bed feeling like one of those washed up people who work really hard but never achieve anything.

seven

And now its Tomorrow!
Poor Romulus. Day after day he would ask if it was Tomorrow and I would always say "No, its Today" and he would weep. Finally had the presence of mind to say, "Yes, its Tomorrow." So difficult to long for a day and never see it arrive--like the Day of the Lord.

Have a great weekend and go check out Jen!

a broken body: or why I'm very sad about the church today

2011-12-08T15:10:00.001-05:00

What seems like a lifetime ago Matt and I took the astounding and miraculous opportunity to go to Jerusalem to participate in the GAFCON meeting. I'm still living off that brief stunning visual landscape--off just standing on the Mount of Olives looking at the Dome of the Rock, off our one day driving around the Sea of Galilee and hungrily sucking down every word of our guide as he unfolded the Scriptures before us, off sitting in front of the huge great stones of the temple, flung down.

But there was a great and shocking grief for me, when we visited the Holy Sepulcher which I wrote about here and here. I know others who visit are generally overwhelmed by holiness and love for Jesus and other wonderful things. And its not that I didn't get a little of that as we walked through the cavernous structure. But my over-abiding thoughts and emotions were of shock at the decay, at the blackness of the whole thing, at the weird gaudy ornate gold around the place of the cross, the pale and bizarre representation of Mary in some sort of glass box. Which Narnia book is it where they find the Stone Table and it doesn't resemble itself at all?

Looking back, part of the reason I was so struck by this particular visual, I think, is because of what was going on in the GAFCON meeting itself. Not being important at all, I was not privy to any politicking or anything. I attended the general lectures and seminars and my small group--all of which were excellent--but it felt like something was in the air and it filtered down to my dim consciousness in a phrase that stuck in my head as a freaky little irritating refrain

"when sin enters in."

And I came home with it in my head. And as ACNA became a thing, and AMiA became a thing and we lost our lawsuit and engaged on varying levels with Anglican politics the refrain and the broken decaying sepulcher joined to be the filter through which I have always been seeing the Anglican Church in America.

Its so broken. And it goes on being broken.
And there's not really any thing we can do about it. The church in every age and at every time is full to the brim of sin. When you stand on something and say 'you can go over there but I'm not going to go with you' its easy to imagine that all the sin has gone on over there and you are standing in a pool of purifying and holy light. It may be that sometimes ACNA and other leaving bodies have tried to say that, or not. Its possible any of us say it at any moment. But the key is to stop saying it. We are in the light, and it does purify and make us holy. But it does that because we're standing in a dark cavernous ruin of a church, a church that the moment Jesus ascended to the Father started crowding itself into the darkness, breaking things and sinning. And its going to go on doing this for the foreseeable future. And it will be Jesus, really and finally, who comes and says Enough! to the weird Mary in the glass box and the broken pavement and the black walls, and Enough! to all of us who can't pull it together to do his will in all that we do and say. Until then,
Lord have Mercy
Christ have Mercy
Lord have Mercy.

st. nicholas

2011-12-07T17:30:00.000-05:00

St Nicholas visited Good Shepherd this Sunday (does ANYONE have a picture?) and then circled back through town Monday night bringing the four girls very pretty tea spoons (which he got online from a really fabulous place in Canada) and the boys camping knife/fork/spoon pocket implements in their own little cases. St. Nicholas, as usual, fretted very much about everybody being happy and went to bed at midnight the night before thinking that someone would maybe have rather had an actual toy.

And, of course, he fretted very much that he had bought stupid Santa chocolate lollypops instead of buying a St. Nicholas' bishops mold and making his own chocolates. Also, he was foolish enough to put handfuls of chocolate coins in each shoe instead of carefully counting to make sure each child had the same number of chocolates.

Fortunately for him, after the initial screaming and shouting, everybody was able to settle down and make it fair. And the spoons turned out to be good for eating soft boiled eggs, drinking tea, and having relationships with each other as they appeared to take on the personalities of dolls. And the pocket implements were AWESOME and were good for eating both breakfast and supper, for cutting a small wooden dowel into bits of sawdust and for becoming a more cool person. Eventually, though, some people were just too exhausted to keep eating chocolate, and eating with the special spoons, much as they would have liked to.

Anyway the house was well prepared for his visited. Monday we managed to dig some things out of boxes. (WRETCHED baby finger prints on camera lenses.)

And snapped our very clever fake pre-lit tree together. As I have shouted to anyone who will listen over the past few weeks, When All The Children Can Walk and Buckle Themselves In The Car And Cut the Tree and Drag It To The Car And Drive the Car then we'll get a real tree. Until then, the magic of Christmas is a fake pre-lit tree. Tuesday morning as I groped my way towards the light, deeply regretting having any children at all, much less six, I said to Matt, "Wouldn't it be great if this was it? If now we went back to our normal lives and there was no insanity in three + weeks?"

He looked at me in abject horror. "Oh, I guess not," I said. But if I was in charge of everything......its probably too horrible to even say out loud.

In conversation with children

2011-12-05T23:24:00.001-05:00

Romulus gagging and trying to get through his dinner.
You know this black stuff on top of the potato? Well, that stuff makes some people throw up.
(Nobody is allowed to say they don't like something at dinner, and nobody is allowed to throw up.)

Romulus putting a little world on the Jesse Tree.
God created the world?! Seriously?!
(Like we haven't mentioned this over and over in the last four months! What!)

Alouicious flirting with logic.
You know why I believe Santa is real? Because people don't go outside at night and so it must be Santa that brings presents all at once. He's the only one that's out late.
(He's right. We Don't Ever go outside after dark. Congratulated him on his astute reasoning.)

7 quick takes

2011-12-02T07:54:00.002-05:00

one

Baby took a step one day this week. And then the next day took another step. And then we panicked and stopped coaxing her.

two

As a result of doing a tiny bit of Christmas shopping online, I have been followed around by the things I was looking at on every single other website I normally attend to. Well, I was until yesterday when I deliberately went to a series of websites I like very much but from which I have no intention of ever buying anything. Now I see all their nice things all over instead of the weird stuff I had to look at for Christmas. Take that Google.

three

Alouicious and I are trying to learn this song. We have it half done and we're pretty good. I like how testy he (the Jesuit, not Alouicious, that I wouldn't abide) is, and irritable.

four

We finished all of Alice in Wonderland and in the Looking Glass on Tuesday. On Wednesday we started another book and Alouicious looked up and said, "What? Why aren't we reading Alice?"
"We finished it," I said.
"What? All of it? Every single page there is?"
As if I would have taken pages away and hidden them or something.

five

Carrol's attitude towards poetry is so brilliant. First of all, its everywhere. You can't read more than three pages without reading some kind of poem. Second, its so tiresome. The deep resignation of Alice every time she's about to be subjected to some excessively long poem is my own every day as Elphine accosts me, "Want to hear a poem?"
"Do I have to?"

six

It's time for my annual reading of The Sacred Diary of Adrian Plass. Have most of it memorized but read it carefully and devotedly anyway...every year...and its still desperately funny.

seven

We've got to decorate for Christmas. And all I can say about that is...ugh.
Here's where Matt starts wildly dispensing eggnog to children and listening to Il Divo's Christmas album and I start yelling at everyone because of the wretched mess. It will be such a glorious relief in January to pack it all away and sit in that first profound moment of clean, calm quiet when the house is its usual plain rational self. And I will thank my providential God that we only have to celebrate his birthday once a year. In the meantime, I will just try to remember that the glory of the cross would not have been revealed had he not actually been born and a little tinsel and pine needles is a small price to pay for celebrating the salvation of all the world. But honestly, wouldn't it be great if he came back in the single moment before I cracked open that first Christmas bin?

Have a great weekend and go check out Jen!

overheard this morning

2011-12-01T07:31:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to avoid reality by not getting out of bed, but everybody is up and arguing and it looks like I'm going to have to give up and arise.
Alouicious and Elphine fighting in the other room:
A: I am doing it because I love Jesus. But I like chocolate too and Daddy said we could have chocolate.
E: But you shouldn't do it for the chocolate. You should do it because you love Jesus.
A: I AM. But I also get chocolate.
E: I don't think you're doing it for the right reasons.
Me (shouting from my bed): Stop questioning his motivation. Leave him alone!
At which point Gladys twirls in and says to Matt
G: I want to ask Jesus to come into my heart.
M: That's so great. Can you tell me where Jesus is now?
G: He is in heaven.
M: That's right. Can you tell me what he did for you and why you want him to live in your heart?
G: Yeah, but I'm not going to.
Twirls out as Romulus comes in
R: I did not just tell a lie.
That's my cue to go interfere.

for a wednesday evening

2011-11-30T21:28:00.000-05:00

103 Shall not the hand of the Lord be fully sufficient?

Sometimes for a while it was midnight for the son; he could not see his way.
Then, just then, it often happened that a friend came to his house and he had nothing to set before him; and Moses' anxious question was his, Shall sheep and oxen be slain for them, and shall it suffice them? Or shall all the fish of the sea be gathered together and shall it suffice them?
But soon he remembered his Lord's gracious answer, Shall not the hand of the Lord be fully sufficient?
And his Father said to him, Thou knowest the way to My house, thou canst find it even in the dark. So he went to his Father's house, and his Father gave him not three loaves only, but as many as he needed.

His Thoughts Said...His Father Said
Amy Carmichael

lilies of the valley

2011-11-29T07:36:00.000-05:00

There ought to be a law against any change in routine ever. Nobody knows what to do on this ordinary regular morning because of all the previous days of partying. And I also seem less able to grope my way towards sanity than I was a week ago.

And there's only like three weeks until it all gets messed up again. Its fine for Jesus to say, "don't worry about tomorrow" but I don't think he was accounting for the insanity of Thanksgiving through Christmas. Well, I mean, obviously he was accounting for it, in some spiritual way. But there ought to be some kind of scriptural dispensation allowing certain kinds of people (like me) to freak out for this period without falling into sin. Who's with me?

On that note, we will go do something sensible and calm, like math, and try our very best to push the encroaching madness off to at least another portion of the day. Happy Advent!

my sermon from this morning: jonah 1

2011-11-27T16:41:00.001-05:00

Today is the first Sunday of Advent, the first day of the new church year--Happy New Year! As the secular year draws to a vibrant gaudy and showy close, the church year dawns dark and quiet and sober and fresh. The single reed like voice of John the Baptist cries out in the still darkness as a sliver of golden light burns bright along the horizon. "Repent" the voice calls out, "the Kingdom of God is at hand." "Behold, the King is coming."

It is the same call of God to Jonah to go tell Ninevah to repent, to turn from the violence of their ways to the mercy of God, it is exactly the same message you will hear throughout this month as the prophets are read, as the light grows stronger, as we prepare our hearts for the coming of Jesus.

Turn with me to Jonah chapter 1. Last week we saw Jonah very busy, bustling, frantic to go away from the presence of the Lord. He gathered his stuff, he purchased passage on an boat, he got on the boat, and then he went to sleep in its depths exhausted from all the busyness. In verse 4. Jonah paid the fare and "went down into it", that is, the ship. this "going down", "went down", "down" is like a drum beat in this chapter and the next. Already, as he boards the ship, Jonah is going down into death. The going down is precisely chosen to describe the kind of death spiral he is in. And that is the mark of our whole text today. Where everybody else on the boat is trying to live, trying to survive, Jonah has pinned his way to destruction. He would rather die than live. He would rather die than obey God. He would rather die than turn around and face God.

So, Jonah gets on the boat and immediately, look at verse 4, the Lord hurls a great wind upon the sea, and there is a mighty tempest, and the ship threatens to break up.

This is the opposite of the great wind stilled by the voice of the Lord on the Sea of Galilee. There, the tempest obeyed our Lord's mere word to "be still". Here, the Lord hurls the storm in the path of Jonah and the sea and wind obey in ever increasing violence.

The storm is immediate. There is no pause in the text between Jonah getting on the boat and the wind being hurled. So eager is the writer to let us know about the storm that we only find out in the middle of the paragraph that Jonah went straight down into the guts of the ship to sleep. You can almost hear the scary foreshadowing music sweeping over the scene as Jonah climbs the ramp to board. There's like 30 seconds of ordinary calm weather as the ship pushes away from port into the sea and then blam, the Lord hurls a great wind. The ship careens back and forth so terribly that there, in the middle of the sea, it "threatens to break up." You can see the boards creaking and straining away from each other, great gaping holes filling with water as wave after wave pours over the side of the ship. Everybody is completely soaked. Now a days, and of course I have in mind here those brave shipping boats in Alaska trying to catch crab, Matt says every year that he's just going to chuck it all and go sign up because it looks so cool, the captain rushes to his instruments and starts radioing for help and trying to get the coast guard. But here there is no coast guard. These are isolated sailors in the middle of a great expanse of water. There is no radio. There is no hope. The only hope is to cry out to whomever you think is bigger than you are--the god of the sea, perhaps, the god of the sky, the god of the sun, the god of keeping people out of danger. There's got to be someone bigger who can hear and do something. The captain and the sailors undertake to pray on a scale they themselves have probably never imagined possible. The kind of prayer wherein your whole soul, your whole being cries out for help. They pray and cry out and throw all the cargo overboard. Great beautiful clay pots of oil or dates or wine or spices or beautifully dyed cloth. All that money, all that profit, gone, flung into the raging depths. The whole enterprise is a total loss. The captain leaves his sailors above and goes into the depths of the boat to find Jonah. He's sleeping the deep sleep of the wicked, numb from the business of running from the Almighty. He's spent every ounce of his intellectual energy rationalizing his run, abusing the mercy of God to himself, demonizing the people of Ninevah, inflating the potential of a new life in Tarshish. His feet are weary from his hurried journey from the interior of Israel all the way the coast. The longer he sleeps the less time he will have to stare into the great depths of God's unfailing undesired presence. The captain finds him and shakes him and shouts at him to wake up. Jonah grudgingly comes to life. "Arise, call out to your God" shouts the captain, matching the word of the Lord, "Arise, call out against that great city." Jonah does not call out, he does not pray. He follows the captain to the deck where the sailors are preparing to cast lots. A couple of dice thrown down, or a bundle of sticks, held in the hand, the ends hidden. One stick is short. Jonah draws it at his turn and the crowd turns to him in desperation. "Who are you? What are you doing? What have you done?!"

Verse 9 Jonah says, " I am a Hebrew, and I fear the Lord, the God of heaven, who made the sea and the dry land." I fear God, so matter of fact, which sends the sailors into terror, into real fear and awe at the power of this man who can stand on a rocking breaking ship and calmly say, I fear the God who made all this. As they talk the sea grows even rougher, the wind whipping the waves into a stinging rage. "What shall we do to you!?" they ask in horror.

"Throw me into the sea," demands Jonah. Nevertheless, the men cannot imagine such a remedy and try, now, to pick up oars and row to shore. But the God of the sea increases the wind and the storm and they finally give up and cry out, again, to God to spare them for such an act. "This isn't murder. Its not our fault. Its your fault." And they pick Jonah up and throw him in, and immediately, as quickly as the sea was whipped into a rage, it falls into a placid dead calm. Blue sky. Blue water. Its the Mediterranean after all. Its beautiful. And the men fall to their knees and fear, that is reverence or honor or belief in, the God who has such immense power.

Jonah, meanwhile, sinks into the depths of the ocean, and there we will have to leave him, along with his appointed fish, until next week. In the meantime, there are a few matters to consider.

First, observe the amazing contrast between the sailors and captain together and Jonah. These men want to live. They want to survive. They appeal to what divinity they have heard of. They pray and pray and pray. In this chapter, Jonah never prays. He doesn't cry out, he doesn't appear to have any emotion, he doesn't even seem a real character. He is wooden and stubborn. Even when he tells them to throw him in the sea, it is very matter of fact. There are at least three possibilities for Jonah's motivation at this moment. He might feel repentant and be trying to obey God. But I don't really think so. He hasn't anywhere given an indication of wanting to turn around up to this point. He might feel bad for the sailors and be offering himself up as a sacrifice to save them. But if that were the case he wouldn't have bothered with the sham of the lots and all the questioning. He could have offered a solution at the first sign of wind, like, let's go back to shore, guys, I'm going the wrong direction. No, I think the third option is most likely, and that is that Jonah would rather die than turn around and obey God. So deep is his rebellion that he is practically suicidal. Look at chapter 4 verse 3. By this point he has preached to Ninevah in chapter 3, they have cried out to God and turned from their wicked and violent ways, and Jonah has left the city and gone to wait for God to go ahead and destroy them anyway. When he sees that God is going to have mercy he says, in verse 3, "Therefore now, O Lord, please take my life from me, for it is better for me to die than to live." Jonah would rather drown, at this point, than admit that he's going the wrong direction.

Second, look at verse 10, even though he is in complete defiant suicidal rebellion, he doesn't feel comfortable about it. "Then the men were exceedingly afraid and said to him, "What is this that you have done?" For the men knew that he was fleeing from the presence of the Lord, because he had told them." Like, Hi, I'm Jonah, I'm from Israel, I want to go to Tarshish, because I'm running away from God. In the few minutes he is on the ship not sleeping, the main thing he tells everyone is that he's running away from God. Who does that? Well, we all do. What is the first thing you tell everyone when you see them or meet them? What kind of things do you find yourself talking about all the time--your own goodness? The badness of everyone else? The greatness of God? How you have gotten the short end of the stick? Its possible to gain some real insight into your own soul by listening to your own words, the repeating themes of your own conversations, facebook statuses, journal entries, blog posts, things you think about while you drive from place to place in your car. You may think you're a hard cold steely eyed go getter like Jonah, but if you're on some path you shouldn't be on and you think its just a secret between you and yourself, its also possible your speech is giving you away.

Third, there is the little matter of the storm. There are two things about the storm. One, if God wants to get your attention, he's going to get it. If God wants you to turn around and go in another direction, you're eventually going to turn around and go in that other direction. If he wants you to stop doing something, don't kid yourself, eventually you're going to stop doing it. He might send a raging storm, he might allow all the circumstances of your life to come completely apart, he might allow you to be in pain or illness, he might open all the doors in one direction and bang them shut behind you as he pulls you kicking and screaming through them so that you can't run back, he might frustrate every single plan you have all day, causing whole tidal waves of traffic to rise up before you, moving other people's shopping carts into your path, bringing every little irritating request of your children into your kitchen as you try to make one tiny phone call, all to have you in the right place at the right time. Do you think that you organize and plan your own day? That you are the master of your own destiny? Than you are seriously deluded. God made the sea the land and the sky. He isn't going to be thwarted by you--either your basically reasonable ideas of what's important, neither your sin, neither your rebellion.

Two, you might like to think that God is extravagantly out of balance to be sending such a great storm to bring one person to repentance. You might say, "I'm not that important. God's got a lot to worry about, why would he care about this very small thing in my life." "It doesn't matter if I am disobedient in this one small area because its just me. I'm not that consequential." Or you might say, "I'll pray for others but not for myself because I'm not that important. I can just bear with this trouble, its not that big of a deal. God has bigger things to worry about." To both of these kinds of 'humility' but really 'pride', the Bible says: The Lord God created the whole earth and cosmos and then bothered to create and design you. And he cares very much what you do. He cares very much about your attitude. He cares very much about the choices you make. He cares very much about your needs. You cannot escape his notice. There isn't any moment where he is not fully cognizant of what you're doing and why. And because he is sovereign, because he is big enough and powerful enough to be over all things and have things go the way he intends them, he knows what you're doing and what everyone else is doing too. In these verses, the life of Jonah, the attitude and obedience of Jonah is the focus, but the lives of all the other people on the boat are in view. Not a single one of them misses out on God's care and discipline and attention. In fact, they are saved. They meet and believe in the God Jonah would rather die than obey.

a spot of thankfulness

2011-11-25T10:33:00.001-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving All. I am chiefly thankful today to be in my house and not in line in any kind of store. I'm thankful for a lot of other stuff too, but its hard to remember any of it from the over abiding glow of Not having to go outside today for any reason. Anyway, on Wednesday, we made pie. Everyone got to make their own little pie. The two large ones, I guess, are for me, since Matt won't eat them. I suppose I could share with the children....

And Matt cut the table legs down and one of the chairs so that when I sit at the table, my feet can touch the floor.

And I got ready for Advent. I'm saving my money for an elaborate candle holder for next year (I have an envelope). So this year I used tea cups. You can see the deep theological significance of all the candles being in opaque teacups except the Light of Christ which is in clear glass.

And then I discovered bits of my missing Scandinavian light dinging thing (boo, can't find all the parts) so I re-appropriated it for a mini advent wreath.

Thursday morning I baked bread and cinnamon rolls. My wonderful and clever grandparents sent me the cookie cutters (which we couldn't wait to use and so stuffed bread into) and the Swedish horse baking pans. I must say, at the early hour it was, NO ONE was as excited about this shape as I was which put me out. Thwarted everyone by taking a lot of pictures of it instead of serving up the bread. Alouicious felt he was going to die of hunger. All the rolls were gone in 7 3/4 minutes.

The baby Swedish horse was so so so amazingly cool.

All the the pictures are blurry because children repeatedly kept finding and sucking on the camera or putting their fat fingers directly on the lens. Spent large portions of the day yelling about it. There was still quite a long wait at the moment of this picture.

Elphine's cat got into the package from my grandparents and went absolutely nuts. We thought there might have been a large sprinkling of catnip. She ate one of the little foam angels (well, chewed it thoroughly) and then did a series of mad dashes around the room crashing into furniture.

Still waiting for dinner. Alouicious hoping that an attitude of prayer will bring a swifter conclusion to his suffering. You'll notice we had a starter of steamed artichokes with two kinds of dressings. On the whole it was a success. Nobody gagged and everybody was intrigued.

Elphine rescuing angel bits from her evil cat.

We decorated! As in, some of us glued some leaves to some paper. That was actually a week or so ago. It gives the illusion of order and craftiness, I think, where none actually exist.

Back to the Swedish Horse pan. Marigold tried desperately to smear her snot covered hands all over it before I could get it in the oven. As I took the picture, I screamed and shouted for her to stop it and get down. Went back to bed when it was in the oven as there seemed no point in trying to carry on living after such an ordeal.

The baby slept a lot of the day. She has a bad cold and FOUR TEETH cutting at once on the top. Poor poor poor baby.

Eventually we did finally sit down to dinner. All I did was the artichokes and all the bread and pie. Matt outdid himself on the matter of the turkey--his best yet, hands down (no stuffing, brined for 18 hours, rubbed inside and out with various concoctions, seared at 500 degrees, breastplated and roasted at 350 for another many hours)--gravy, potatoes, asparagus. We sat around for hours in total comfort, both of all our feet touching the floor, grateful for another year of eating.

my sermon from the service tonight: psalm 34

2011-11-22T21:48:00.000-05:00

Apparently I preached for 15 minutes instead of 5. Oops.

This psalm, psalm 34, is attributed to David and we have an interesting little note at the top, just before verse one. The ESV says, "of David, when he changed his behavior before Abimalech, so that he drove him out, and he went away." Some Bible's say, "when he feigned madness", when he acted crazy. And then, if you glance at the text, we have a perfectly reasonable and seemingly ordinary psalm. One might say, and many have, that David played the fool to get out of a tight spot, but then was no fool at all because he turned directly to praise God for his salvation.

There are some great big pits that we can fall into at this time of year, from Thanksgiving onwards toward Christmas--almost like falling into the hands of Abimalech, our enemy, as we might say. They are the wells, or the enemies of pride, anxiety, gluttony, showyness, covetousness, and of other people's expectations. I tie these enemies around me, as I tie my apron, and wallow in them, gazing enviously at other people's Christmas lights, or trying to win the acclaim of the gathered throngs with my fancy perfectly formed dinner rolls.

But David feigns insanity to escape his enemies and runs to the praise of God.

1I will bless the LORD at all times;

Says David

Not because the LORD needs to be blessed by me, he is blessed, he is perfectly content and happy in himself. I bless him because it is only in him that I can be content and happy. All the time.

his praise shall continually be in my mouth.

Even as I fuss over my lists and worry about giving the right present to the right person and fret about my oven being too small to cook everything that I want to cook, my mouth will always be praising him. My mouth will always be saying lovely thing about God and how he has given me life and hope and food and warmth and family and a table and all the cookies downstairs. Continually, not just once in the morning and once in the evening--all the time.
2My soul makes its boast in the LORD;
let the humble hear and be glad.

Because if I boast in myself, everything will shift into the shadows of poverty. If I boast in myself, if I organize everything so that everyone will know it was me that pulled this off, me that made Christmas beautiful, me that bought the turkey, me that cooked it to perfection, me that holds the family together, my inadequacy will shine forth like those cheep neon lights that you don't want to look at but you can't avoid. But if my boast is in the LORD, who made heaven and earth, whose foot is never moved, whose love is as big as the ocean, the beauty of that boast will sustain and strengthen those I love. The humble hear this boast and are glad.
3Oh, magnify the LORD with me,
and let us exalt his name together!

My boast, my gladness, my joy spreads over the whole table as we magnify the Lord together. We magnify, we examine, we mull it over, we look at his Name from every angle, adding layer upon layer of praise.

How would I do that? You cry. My turkey is still frozen. My sister always says she'll host Thanksgiving but never does. How can I magnify the Lord and boast in him?

How?

4I sought the LORD, and he answered me

and delivered me from all my fears.

I ASKED for help. I prayed, in helplessness I gave every worry and anxiety and trouble to him and he delivered me. You have to Ask. You have to cry out. He will hear your cry and come to help you.

What happens when you cry out to God?5Those who look to him are radiant,
and their faces shall never be ashamed.

Radiant, full of light. When you cry out to God and he hears you he gives you himself, he fills you with himself, he gives you his light, he gives you enough. No longer a blinking ghastly neon sign, no, the Lord of light, who created light, lives in you, and lifts your face into the light, out of shame, into beauty.6This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him
and saved him out of all his troubles.

This poor man, that's you, you cried out and the Lord heard you and saved you. Have you cried out? Have you asked for help from the Lord?⁷ The angel of the LORD encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them.

Even an angel was sent to encamp to surround David in the time of his distress. Is God too busy to hear your cry? Is God not big enough? Is God too lofty to trouble himself over the troubles of your life? Test him out. Carry out an experiment.

⁸Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good!

Spend some time with him. Read some of his special book. Spend some time in quiet with the Lord. Taste, and see if the Lord isn't good. You can't taste something just by looking at it. It doesn't say, 'Look, see, the Lord is good." No, you have to make the commitment of a mouthful. If you put something in your mouth, you really commit to it. One of my children really knows this. He is really careful not ever to put anything into his mouth that he doesn't know. He hates thanksgiving and restaurants and almost every meal at our house. It can be scary to Taste. Back in the old old days of the Bible, when it was time for little six year olds to begin to learn the Torah, the Law of the Lord, they would get a little taste of honey on the tongue. The Law of the Lord is perfect, the teacher would say, it is sweeter than honey. Open your mouth. Don't sit at your table and say, well, I looked around at my life and I didn't see anything that God has done. No, test the Lord. Open your mouth to cry out to him for help, see if his help isn't sweeter than honey. Then you can see that the Lord is good.

Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

Happy, content, taken care of is the man and the woman who goes for safety into the presence of Jesus.

⁹Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints,

for those who fear him have no lack!

¹⁰ The young lions suffer want and hunger;
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

Not because you perfectly acquire everything on your list. It might be that you don't get the perfect gift for everyone, that you don't have all three kinds of pie, that your bank account is slimmer than you would like it to be. The good thing you won't lack will be the Lord. If you seek him, you will find him, and he will give you enough of what you need and all of himself. You won't lack, your soul will not be in poverty, if you seek him.

¹¹ Come, O children, listen to me;

I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, the kind of wisdom that teaches you to praise the Lord. The kind of wisdom that lightens you out of the difficult darkness of trying to please other people when really the most pleasing thing is to look to Jesus. The kind of wisdom that brings everyone together to magnify the Lord and rejoice in his Name and his great love. It is kind of crazy. At this time of year, the most mad insane thing might be to say, 'Come, taste and see that the Lord is good.' What's the worst that could happen? That God would hear the sound of your voice and come to be with you in the midst of your enemies? Take courage, play the fool!

mawage. its what bwings us togethah today

2011-11-21T16:05:00.000-05:00

I posted this

Nothing says "marital bliss" like trying to talk about money while you're both actually surfing the internet.

earlier in the day on facebook. The only use I generally aim to confer on facebook is sarcasm without bitterness, but I was So Tired this morning that I forsake both sarcasm and bitterness and posted something I really meant. Maybe it was the scare quotes around marital bliss that threw Matt off, causing him to say, "I don't think that was very nice".

But Really. We both hate coping with money. Its really nice sitting each with our own computer distracting ourselves as we cobble a budget into some kind of conciliarly agreed upon direction. How rotten if we had an actual focused meeting where we sat down and did only that.

While we were budgeting I read this(heartbreaking), and this (helpful) and this (hysterical) and this and this.

Of course, we had to add it up three of four times because we, or rather I, got different numbers every time. But eventually it was twice the same thing. And the long morning bore the fruit of having enough to wander through the aisles of Wegmans buying fancy things for Thanksgiving dinner. Elphine, being too old to go in the play place, is turning out to be better company than I imagined. I do confess, I dreaded the time of having to shop with her for at least 6 months before she turned 9. Today she pushed a second cart through the chaos (I'm pretty sure the entire city of Binghamton was in Wegmans this afternoon) and weighed vegetables and she can't whistle, Bless the Lord, so there we are.

But the true moment of bliss, not only of today but of the last two weeks at least, was catching Matt's eye at the end of the cereal aisle as he took a package of hotdogs out of the mouth of Marigold and adjusted the hat of the baby so that she would fail at trying to hang herself and mouthing to him, "We don't have to make stuffing this year, do we?" and him mouthing back, "Oh absolutely."

I long for nothing else in this life. To be that unified in purpose, mission, heart, mind and soul, Well, I defy you to show me something more blissful. And I'm NOT being sarcastic. The sarcasm will be back another day, maybe, but don't count on it.

what! prayer? has it come to that?

2011-11-18T07:54:00.000-05:00

Where have I been the last few days? Trying to put the house back together after this last painting trauma, doing school, generally spinning my wheels BUT ALSO helping to organized a Day of Prayer at the church.

Long ago we had a day of prayer right before we lost our law suit and building. Pastors from many kinds of churches came and preached and prayed with us and for us. It was so encouraging and wonderful to pray together in this way and for the community to come together with us. And then we lost everything, as it were, landing in this extremely pleasant and expanded situation. Through the move there was a small group that met, and of course we prayed like anything on Sundays and at Bible Studies and individually, but we also got busy moving in and arranging the furniture and adding daily to the number of faithful, those who were being saved.

But there has lately been a really wonderful rebirth of prayer at Good Shepherd and in the course of this new and wonderful thing, it became clear that we needed to pray more Right NOW!!!

So Saturday, from midnight to midnight, there will be people praying in the church continuously for a long list of needs. I've been running around filling in the slots, making lists, gathering resources and trying to keep on top of the stream of volunteers we've had. One day out and I only have one slot empty--5am. But there's a party tonight and I'm pretty sure I can sucker someone in who isn't really paying attention and who, in the delight of food and good company, will be foolish enough to think, "5am? Oh, I can do that."

See you tonight guys! I'll be there with my lists.

I'm going to dye

2011-11-15T07:56:00.000-05:00

Because we're a little bit stupid, we painted another room yesterday instead of sitting around lazily as is we Should have done because the next two weeks are horribly horribly unrelentingly busy.

And the painting, which turned out beautifully, means that I HAVE to dye my curtains
1. because they are now very much the wrong color and
2. because I am too cheep to buy new ones.

They're raw silk. Somebody, PLEASE, advise me.

Also, Why Oh Why didn't we paint the whole house Before we began this long and delicate process of Marigold learning to go the lou? Gladys had been our easiest so far but I think Marigold is even easier. Why are those children with the worse personalities the best at this? and those that are nicest terrible at it? Is there some kind of correlation? Anyway, because she So Gets It, she constantly needed to be running past the paint, screaming and shouting. And then we discovered that we did need a second gallon which Matt unhappily went all the way back out to get, only to come back with a can that was a vaguely different color. After painting nearly a whole wall with it I, I'm very sorry to say, manipulated him into going back out a third time by opening my eyes very wide and saying innocently, "is it closed? Its only 6:30." He came home with a third color which was a little better than the second but not as perfect as the first. We had to cover all over the beautiful first color AND I had to apologize a whole lot for being picky and stupid about paint colors the difference of which one could barely notice.

Also, I'm still deeply troubled by the fact that we have no blog name for Baby. Maybe Dorcus? So many people have pointed out that Biblical names are nice, with a slight rise of the eyebrow, as if to say "what's wrong with you pagans that you can't give your children good biblical names?"

And now, I will arise and go to cook breakfast because Alouicious is certain to perish if he doesn't eat porridge RIGHT NOW!

hardy har har

2011-11-14T08:22:00.000-05:00

From Rudyard Kipling's Captain's Courageous:

Like many other unfortunate young people, Harvey had never in all his life received a direct order--never, at least, without long, and sometimes tearful, explanations of the advantages of obedience and the reasons for the request. Mrs. Cheyne lived in fear of breaking his spirit, which, perhaps, was the reason that she herself walked on the edge of nervous prostration. He could not see why he should be expected to hurry for any man's pleasure, and said so. "Your dad can come down here if he's so anxious to talk to me. I want him to take me to New York right away. It'll pay him."
Dan opened his eyes as the size and beauty of this joke dawned on him. "Say Dad!" he shouted up the foc'sle hatch, "he says you kin slip down an' see him ef you're anxious that way. 'Hear, Dad?"
The answer came back in the deepest voice Harvey had ever heard from a human chest: "Quit foolin', Dan, and send him to me."

7 quick takes

2011-11-11T08:03:00.001-05:00

One
Marigold is learning to appropriately use the lou. I'm trying to elevate the overall tone of the process by not using the word "potty" which just doesn't make me want to get up in the morning.
"Will Aunty feel better after she's been the to the telephone?" I say.
And then Marigold shouts "Potty! Chocolate! More!"
Delicacy aside, I am surprised and delighted that we're taking this important step.
Two
The baby is standing very steadily on her own looks to be perhaps trying to take steps in the next few weeks. Imagine, a toddler who won't talk, a baby who can't, everybody walking and running around in circles pulling civilization to bits. It will be like my own tiny Zuccoti Park. I am the 1%.
Three
After two solid months of school I finally made out individual laminated lists for each child with everything they need to do in the course of a day. I'd always intended to do this, but in the past I've always rushed in too quickly and made the wrong kind of list in the wrong order. This time I waited and waited until we seemed to settle into an order on our own before making the cards--a real mark of wisdom and maturity I think. Of course, I left a whole subject off, so everyone has to write it on the card at the beginning of the day and then it inevitably gets rubbed off before anyone gets to it.
Four
I'm terribly worried of falling into pride, so pretend this is whispered in your ear:
I got to the end of my laundry.
I know! It took two and a half years. But wow.
All the glory, of course, goes to Jesus, who I pray will not smite me with anybody throwing up for at least a week so I can bask in the glow of what the parousia must feel like.
Five
Speaking of parousia, a young lady with three small children died yesterday. I didn't really know her but I have friends who did. She was in car accident and fought very hard for life over a few weeks. Her youngest is a baby boy who shares the name of one of my boys. I realized, as I mourned and grieved for her family, two things. One, I don't really trust God for my children. I mean, I do intellectually, but I don't think I act that way very often. And Two, everybody said, "she went to be with her Lord" instead of "she passed away". Its alright, ultimately, if you're going somewhere to be with someone you've wanted to be with all this time. Its not alright, ultimately, if you "pass" "away"! Where is away? Nobody wants to go away!
Six
Matt and I are going out to lunch this afternoon because some wonderful amazing friends are coming to be with the kids of their own volition and will.
"We really like your kids" she said, "we miss them."
"Really?" I riposted in total unbelief. I know they can be nice individually, but a whole pack of kids can be overwhelming.
Seven
Gladys and Elphine are taking showers every day now and then devoutly and laboriously drying their own hair. After which they don necklaces and bracelets and ribbons. The boys, on the other hand, have to be forced into putting on new clothes at all if ever. Right now, I think I'm on the side of the boys.

Have a great weekend! Go check out Jen!

one thing and another

2011-11-09T21:44:00.000-05:00

I kept tripping over this all day. When I'd sit down it would try to perch on my collar bones and breath in my ear. Or I'd turn my head vaguely towards this computer and it would get off me and sit on the keyboard. Honestly.

If I'd wanted a dog (which, incidentally, I do) I'd have ....never mind. There's no logical way to end that thought.

Anyway, in answer to the catechism question, "What did God promise in the covenant of works?" My eldest child smiled winningly, sucked in a lot of air and breathed out heavily, "A Turkey."
I think that means its time to deep clean the kitchen because its getting colder and Thanksgiving will be momentarily down our throats!

land of far distances: part three

2011-11-08T22:07:00.000-05:00

Excerpted from Amy Carmichael's Gold by Moonlight.

3
"And after this, when thine enemies see that thou art so well willed, then are they much abashed. But then will they assay thee with flattering and vain pleasing. Thus do thine enemies that thou shouldest think their saying sooth, and have delight in this vain joy and rest thee therein. But if thou do well, thou shalt hold all such jangling as faslehood and flattery of thine enemy, that proffereth thee to drink venom tempered with honey. And therefore refuse it and say thou wilt not thereof, but thou wouldest be at Jerusalem." "Thou art not there yet," says Hilton, in another place, "but by small sudden lightnings that glide out of small caves from that city shalt thou be able to see it from far ere that thou come thereto." And so indeed it is for us at times, to the comfort of our hearts.

But for him who would be at Jerusalem there is something that can smite and pierce and humble in the vision of the rainbow shown to the prophet Ezekiel and to John the Evangelist.

When one rises high in our material air one sees the rainbow in full circle. And so it is in things heavenly. Rising high in the spiritual air those two most happy seers saw that same glory, the rainbow in full circle, but they did not see the shadow of themselves. As the appearance of the bow that is in the cloud in the day of rain, so was the appearance of the brightness round about the throne that they saw. Upon "the likeness of the throne was the likeness as the appearance of a Man"--thus Ezekiel. And St. John: "I beheld, and, lo, in the midst of the throne stood a Lamb as it had been slain."

Self nowhere, nothing" our Lord Christ in all things preeminent--we hunger and thirst for that. The mountains under the quiet sky would be nothing to us if they did not speak of a detachment and a purity like that. Again and again the temptation to wish for what is not given will spring upon us ("jangle not therewith"), and the staining, softening though of self, and sympathy with self, will try to creep into the circle. But if the moment the soul is conscious of that influence it looks to its Lord ("I am naught, I have naught; I covet naught but only the love of Jesus") there will be peace; there will be victory. Not I, but Christ, will fill the center of the circle. And "He will with His merciful might of gracious presence break down this false image of love in thyself, till thou be some deal reformed to His likeness."

So let us be of good courage, for each hour brings the hour nearer, when we shall behold His face in righteousness, and we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. I shall be satisfied when awakened by a vision of Thee: that is the word of the Lake of Thun.

whistling

2011-11-07T19:14:00.001-05:00

Alouicious has learned to whistle.

Its really the most irritating skill I can think of, in all places, in all times. He whistles to everyhing and at every moment. Just now he is whistling along to Handel's Greatest Hits (there's no way anyone can ever accuse me of being a snob for any reason after such a revelation). Later he will whistle himself to bed and whistle himself to sleep. He whistles, aggravatingly, while he works. He whistles in between whining about having to work. He whistles while he reads. Really, there isn't one single solitary thing I can think of that he does without whistling. I could hear him faintly whistling from the altar as he acolyted yesterday.

I have always tried, in my soul, to be a good mother and not nag, but every other word I breath now is, "don't whistle in my ear," "please stop whistling," "don't whistle at the table," "don't whistle right now," "don't whistle right here."
"Why do you yell at me all the time now?" he asked last week.
"I'm sorry," I said, "its just you're always whistling in my ear. Its driving me crazy."

I know I should be praying for my children to be saved and learn lots of stuff and other kinds of things, but really all I pray every day now is, "Lord Jesus have mercy on me a sinner and please let no other child in this house learn to whistle."

for a saturday evening

2011-11-05T21:36:00.000-04:00

7 Quick Takes--School Stuff

2011-11-04T08:21:00.000-04:00

One
We're on track to finish Alice in Wonderland today. We've spent ages talking through all the terrible puns and watching youtube clips of things like Quadrille Dancing ("that's disgusting" said Alouicious, "I never ever ever want to dance like that."). So far the favoritist joke of all is that "Lessons" are so called because they lessen every day until they don't exist. Once she got it, Elphine laughed so hard she started crying. Over the month we've relearned "Jabberwocky" from last year and started "The Walrus and the Carpenter". I LOVE the wary look in all their big eyes as they say the words, considering that they are ridiculous and trying to measure how ridiculous, like enough to laugh out loud? or just to groan inwardly?
Two
Elphine is working desperately hard to finish her math book by the end of this week so that she can 1. invite a friend and 2. go out to lunch. These are both her ideas. "I've worked so hard to finish early," she said, "shouldn't I have a friend over and go out to lunch?"
I mean, I guess, but I've been working really hard get on top of the laundry and nobody has said anything to me about lunch out. I'm afraid Elphine's motivation will eventually run me into money.
Three
She gets up early and writes our schedule out on the board, dividing everything into 'things to do together' and 'things to do alone' and then making boxes for everyone to mark off what they've accomplished.
She and Gladys then plough through the day doggedly and intensely, marking off box after box while the boys whine and cry and beg to do things together. "I don't want to do math alone," cries Alouicious.
"I don't want to do math at all," moans Romulus.
Meanwhile Gladys eats buckets of candy for winning the work race every day, face and dress smeared with chocolate, singing, "I finished first. I finished first."

Four
On the Bible front we've memorized John 15:1-9 and the first 15 verses from our little Desiring God foundation verses ring. We've started back at the Catechism for Young Children and are up to question 20. We're all praying for Gladys to be saved soon since she's more and more like a little totalitarian dictator every day.
Five
We've also, besides piano, been working on the Tin whistle. I know, I'm probably certifiably insane. Anyway, Romulus and Gladys just try to put their wretched tiny fingers on the holes and blow screamingly in my ears. Elphine, Alouicious and I, on the other hand, are trying to learn a little Irish tune from youtube and "The King of Love my Shepherd Is", which is surprisingly hard. I really have to be completely in the right frame of mind for this or I just cry with frustration and rage. Still, maybe in 30 years we'll all be able to play a song together.
Six
We do a lot of other stuff too, like writing and grammar and geography blah bah blah. It doesn't even really merit a whole quick take, much less a blog post. I like it all but none of its funny, well, a lot of it is in the moment but then it disappears in the cloud of reality.
Seven
I figured out this week that Alouicious is, in his heart, an information seeking American, and I, in my soul, am an information withholding French person. I need to develop some methods of indirect communication (like posting signs on the fridge or something) that satisfy his hunger for knowledge (what are we having for breakfast? when will I get to play? how long do I have to read? while I ever play again?) in such a way that doesn't make me irritated with having to speak all the time (I don't know, leave me alone!) Maybe all of this would go away if I just taught him to speak French. That sounds like a fun afternoon activity.

Have a great weekend and go check out Jen!

a month in pictures

2011-11-03T16:15:00.000-04:00

October was really horribly busy. As usual I always think we're going to be so calm and happy at the beginning of every month, and then we end up doing an insane number of things.
Early in the month, a very wonderful friend came from church to do a little bit of Chinese drawing.

Romulus worked very hard the whole time.

So did Gladys.

It turns out to be rather difficult to control the brush. Especially if you talk more than draw.

And then you have to work very hard to unlearn how to hold the brush.

Then, we did have at least one bath over the course of the month. Really grateful for the double sink.

And Marigold continues to climb and get into absolutely everything she's not supposed to, like the kitty food, or my makeup, or spices in the kitchen, everything in the bathroom etc. etc.

And the baby learned to climb up stairs this month. And to stand alone.

And then Matt had a birthday. Here we all are waiting for him to blow out all 40 candles.

It took a long time to light all the candles.

You can see he was excited to have a thrilling party.

And then Gladys turned FOUR mere days later.

Here she is waiting to go out to lunch with her dad.

And then we had more cake and ice cream.

(A la Kim Kardashian, she changed her dress for each event. #ThingslastinglongerthanKim'smarriage This party. BWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.)

After cake princess dress. Note the beautiful pink icing.

And then we painted the school room. It's NOT mustard. Its saffron.

How saffron it is.

Or maybe turmeric.

Then Marigold turned TWO!!!

She was given some lovely hair clips which she wanted all in right away.

And a princess dress, and a whole lot of dolls dug out of the doll bin downstairs wrapped dubiously by her adoring brothers and sisters.

And then she was SO pleased to have candles to blow out!

Honestly, she looks so sarcastic all the time, it was surprising for her to be so obviously happy.

Gratuitous baby.

And then it was Halloween, or Reformation Day, whichever you like better. We celebrated the German Reformation Day on Sunday with Sausages and Saurkraut and beer. I hope next year we'll celebrate the Swiss Reformation with fondu. Anyway, we didn't take pictures because we were just eating a lot. The next day was an endless day of costume finding and general freakouts.

The traditional Chili Pepper. First you're a chili pepper, then an Angry Bee, then whatever you can find out of the dress up box.

In this case Romulus was Peter from Narnia. He is nearly every day.

Alouicious was Batman, with hot chocolate and a large bag.

And then we had a lovely visit from one of my college roommates, of which I totally neglected to take any pictures. But that was technically November. Gasp.

picture perfect

2011-11-02T07:40:00.000-04:00

We're having real pictures taken of us today, sun permitting. In the spirit of extraordinary procrastination, these pictures are meant to be last years Christmas present to our extended families. Rather puts me in a bind as to what to give them this year, but never mind about that just now.

I think we're going to be photographed in the church. Its too cold to go outside into a lovely field or something. And we practically live in the church anyway. What more fitting environment could we find? (I ask both rhetorically, and for real information.)

I hate being photographed. Matt also really loathes having his picture taken for any reason. But the children love the presence of any camera. And they're all residually sugared up from the weekend. So, I expect we'll all have a real good time.

a bunch of quick takes

2011-10-28T08:10:00.001-04:00

one
A week ago I discovered that for Halloween, Elphine didn't want to be Lucy from Narnia in a school uniform (stupid idiot me, she is Lucy in a school uniform every day) she wanted to be Lucy in Narnia with the red cape and the white dress. So, a la the EU Bailout, I redirected some of my funds from one envelope into another and also hit her up for her birthday money thereby managing to procure (may the Almighty be blessed for inspiring Al Gore to invent the internets) a pinkish dress and a blue cape--not the right color, I realize, but satisfying none the less--both of which arrived today.
two
Everyone else is now complaining about what they're planning to be (Bat Man, Peter, a princess, an angry bee, a chili pepper) because it didn't arrive in two separate boxes this afternoon. Some of them carefully took note so I expect next October to be three times more complicated than this October was.
three
Halloween was never that difficult (how hard is it to walk around your own street hitting up people you barely know for candy) but even that tiny hurdle is lately removed. The church now does a 'trunk or treat' in the parking lot. We all fill our car trunks with candy and the neighborhood is invited to come and partake. AND we have games and hot drinks and other sweets. Last year was bitterly cold and we were over-sugared and weepy by the end. This year I hope it will be balmy and lovely, although, not being pregnant myself my tradition of going as Michelle Duggar is probably ruined.

four
So Wednesday I didn't even get out of bed. I lay there with 'blogger' open trying to download pictures and feeling so deeply unwell that I never actually got any picture of anything up. I instructed the children to "do school" and so it appears that they did, both legalistically and cheerfully. I heard them squabbling with each other about the order of everything and whether or not there should be a leader for the day and if Romulus and Gladys should be forced to read and do math (they didn't think so but Elphine authoritatively won the day).
five
Funny thing is, I wasn't feeling top form on Tuesday but figured it was just too much sin in my life. Never the less I "felt led" to bake two large trays of cinnamon rolls and a batch of regular buns. Now, you might question the Lord's leading in this manner, but this happens to me. And to other people. Thirty years ago, when I was a small filthy child pouring sand in my own hair and that of my friend in the wilds of Africa, my mother woke up very early one morning and "felt led" to make donuts. This she did for an entire day, kneading the dough, frying them in a large pan, thinking all the time, "Why on earth am I making donuts today?" At which point, as the haze of the afternoon was giving way to the cool of the evening, a whole car of strangers drove up in a cloud of dust and there she was, Ready with donuts! In my case the whole family has eaten of the providence of the Almighty while I lay back and pondered all these things in my heart.
six
Let's be honest, any day that I and Matt and the children don't throw up is a precious day, a day to be remembered in thanksgiving and joy.
seven
Did anyone else notice the evil white snow yesterday? SO UPSETTING! Honestly, where is this global climate change of which we hear so much? Isn't this place supposed to be drying up while the deserts turn into pools of water? Isn't that in the Bible somewhere? It can't already be winter. Our little calendar clearly says 'Fall' and Gladys is just this moment putting on a pretty pair of yellow sandals and a sun dress. We are not ready for this.
oops
I need to arise and think about breakfast. All the cinnamon buns are gone and there's some talk circulating about fried eggs and sausage. I think my stomach might handle it. Also, Romulus says that his trousers are "completely gone". What a mystery. Elphine is blow drying her own hair wearing her Lucy school uniform and the blue cape and the fake dagger. Her fake English accent is already driving me up the wall. Alouicious is both whistling and whining, a bizarre carefree careworn approach to reality. The baby is looking into the eyes of my soul and opening her mouth wide. Gladys is wearing a large backpack filled with dollhouse furniture. I'm pretty sure she slept with it on. And Marigold is wearing a pair of Matt's shoes and trying to take a bottle out of the dishwasher. But its Friday!

go check out Jen!

my sermon from this morning: matthew 22

2011-10-23T19:20:00.000-04:00

We'll be in Matthew 22 again today if you'd like to have it open.
We’re going to go in kind of a circle this morning.
If you like straight lines,
I hope you’ll be patient with me.
Jesus, you might remember,
is mid way through the last week of his life.
He entered Jerusalem in Triumph on Monday.
On Tuesday he went into the Temple as if he owned the place purging and clearing out the money changers and sellers.
He went back out of the city that night to stay with
Mary, Martha and Lazarus
and came back Wednesday morning.
And now here we find him locked in combat
with not only the Jewish rulers of the day--the Pharisees,
but also the Sadducees,
and, by this time
the support of the crowds is beginning to be tenuous.
In each story he tells in chapters 21-22,
he makes the extraordinary claim of being the Messiah,
someone who knows the will of God (21:24),
who does the perfect will of God (21:27),
who will suffer for this obedience (21:38),
and who ultimately will judge those who reject him (21:39).
In the two sections we missed he places himself
above all earthly powers (22:15-22),
and gives intimate knowledge of heaven (22:23-33).
And now, in these two sections, he ties it all together.
And, we'll find, that no one dares to ask him anymore questions.

So let’s look at our text.
A lawyer of the Pharisees comes
and let's clarify, quickly,
that this isn't the kind of lawyer we're used to,
but rather, an expert in the law of God,
and, in this case,
a spokesman for the pharisees.
He’s not just a random lawyer walking up,
this is a loaded question intended to entrap Jesus.
He asks, 'which is the greatest law?'
This particular question was kind of a hot topic of the day.
There are documented to be 613 laws in the Torah,
and many many teachers of the day
spent much much time categorizing them
and giving some more weight than others.
Which laws are the weightiest, the heaviest,
which are lighter.
The ordinary person would encourage such a debate, surely. Because the weight of the whole law was very great.
To keep every law would be very difficult,
indeed impossible.
Part of what happened in this over all debating
and clarifying
and arguing
is that Pharisees
in particular
began putting hedges around the law.
The law to keep the Sabbath,
for instance,
is so weighty,
so important,
that to help you not violate that law,
they added helps--
don't walk this far, don't kindle a fire, etc.--
which then became subsumed in the law itself.
So, even by the time of Jesus,
the law had grown beyond the 613.
The purpose of the Law from God’s perspective,
however,
was to get at the heart of the person following it.
The Law starts with the persons relationship with God
and moves on to action and right living.
But over time,
as all the helps and hedges were added,
the focus and purpose of the Law shifted
to be mainly that of action, of doing all the right things.
As you read through the Old Testament,
you’ll see God increasingly angry about this shift--
You bring sacrifices, he says,
but your hearts are far from me.
You’re going through the motions.
I don’t want your sacrifices.
I want your hearts.
Jesus, from the beginning of his ministry,
went straight to the center of this problem.
He calls the Pharisees whitewashed tombs--
all the right action,
but with a heart of death.
In order not to hear this message,
the Pharisees accused Jesus of actually trying
to overturn the law,
or get rid of it,
or supersede it.
Pharisees, Sadducees, Chief Priests,
everybody held the Law of Moses,
even if they disagreed about how to interpret it or live it out,
in a place of supreme honor and authority.
If they could all get Jesus to put himself over the law of Moses they would be the winners--
he would loose the support of everybody
up and down the whole length of Israel.
But you'll notice here that Jesus very very much just does not supersede the Law.
In fact, he cuts right to the heart of the law
they all say they follow.
Let's look at what he says.
'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart a with all your soul and with all your mind. And the second is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend,
or hang,
all the Law--that's the first five books of the Old Testament--
and the Prophets--that's the rest.
If you know anything about the Old Testament,
and the Law of Moses in particular,
this is the center point of the Law.
This--Love the Lord your God bit is called the sh’ma.
You say it when you rise up and when you lie down.
You write it on the door posts of your house.
A really devout person would write it and put it in a little box and strap it to the forehead,
binding and strapping it to the arms.
Sometimes Christians try memorizing a Bible verse,
usually John 3:16.
But its not the first thing we say when we rise up,
we don’t breath it in and out all day long,
we don’t have it as the frame
around which we view all other things.
And having, maybe, learned John 3:16,
how many of us can name all ten commandments
or any other portion of Holy Scripture?

The Shema really starts out
Hear, O Israel, the Lord your God the Lord is One, and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your mind and with all your strength.
The heart, in the bible,
is the essence of a person, the true self.
The heart encompasses everything.
In this culture we also place the heart very high,
but our hearts are usually always talked about
in terms of emotions.
How we feel is what our heart tells us.
In the Bible, the heart encompasses emotions,
certainly,
but it is really a matter of the intellect,
of the will,
of the whole person.
When Jeremiah says,
'The heart is deceitful above all else who can understand it?,
that includes the emotions,
but he really means the whole person.
The essence of who we are is deceitful above all else.
The mind and soul are gathered up in the heart.
With your mind you exercise your will,
you can choose and act in a certain direction.
The soul is eternal, we each of us has a soul,
the part of us that will go on forever.
In other words,
love the Lord your God with every fiber of your being.
No single part of you should be held back from him.
This catches us into a great pit of inadequacy.
On the one hand, we may feel very great love for God,
upon which we do not act.
We may sing and worship and raise our hands and pray,
and then in no way exercise the will towards obedient action.
In this way we feel love but do not have or exercise love,
and we fall short of the law.
On the other hand,
we may exercise great works of obedience,
we may work our fingers to the bone,
we may strive and strive to work
and in striving we aim to gain recognition or something
the actions are obedient,
but the heart may still be far from love.
And then we might both feel love for God
and do good works out of obedience,
but the All your Heart, All your Soul, All your mind
will land you in the pit.
Every fiber of your being?
That is impossible.

And you'll notice that no one says anything.
So Jesus goes on to ask them a question.
"What do you think about the Christ? Whose son is he?"
They say to him, "The son of David."
Its the obvious answer.
They wouldn't have had to think about it.
What's one plus one? Two.
Whose son is the Messiah? David's.
David was promised that from his descendants
would come the Messiah,
the savior of Israel.
You can't fault, entirely,
the average Jewish person for expecting a person, a son.
And yet, you can, a little bit.
Because David himself wrote a psalm, Psalm 110.
In psalm 110 David says,
"The Lord said to my Lord, '
Sit at my right hand, until I put your enemies under your feet.’"
Jesus stops the quote there
but his audience would have known the rest,
"The LORD sends forth from Zion your mighty scepter."
Rule in the midst of your enemies! Your people will offer themselves freely on the day of your power, in holy garments; from the womb of the morning, the dew of your youth will be yours. The LORD has sworn and will not change his mind, You are a priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.The Lord is at your right hand;
he will shatter kings on the day of his wrath.
He will execute judgment among the nations,
filling them with corpses;
he will shatter chiefs
over the wide earth.
7 He will drink from the brook by the way;
therefore he will lift up his head."

I was wasting time this week and googled this psalm.
For a long time after Jesus nobody wanted to admit that
1. David wrote it,
even though for centuries everybody knew that he had,
and 2. that David was talking about the coming Messiah.
And, let’s just look carefully at it for a minute,
the claim that’s being made
is that the Lord said to someone greater than David,
‘sit at my right hand until I put your enemies under your feet.’
David, in other words,
wasn’t waiting for a human Messiah,
a really great guy who would just come
over throw some one or another earthly power
and just really be wonderful.
No, he was waiting for God.
God who will judge,
who will shatter chiefs over the wide earth.

Two days after Jesus quoted this psalm
he was horrifically and brutally murdered.
The whole crowd,
all the pharisees,
all the Romans,
just about everybody,
it seemed,
shouting for his blood,
not wanting to admit what was staring them in the face--
that God,
from the time of Moses,
through David,
through all the prophets,
had been preparing for this person--
a man, yes, but really God himself.
So every morning when they rose up and said,
Hear O Israel the Lord your God the Lord the Lord is One
and you shall Love the Lord your God with every fiber
of your being,
with your whole self,
not holding anything back,
the person they were looking at now
was that God whom they claimed they loved.

And they didn’t want it to be him,
so they killed him.
What are you going to do?
God so loved you,
did you know,
that God so loved you that he gave his whole self.
He didn’t hold anything back from you.
He gave his body, mind, heart, soul to the agony of death,
to the agony of separation from the Father,
for you, because he loved you.
Do you know,
when you fall in love,
how its ok to be a little crazy?
To do what might technically be considered stupid
because you’re so caught up in the other person.
When you’re in love all the junk of life falls away
and the clear vision
with which you can see the other person takes over.
God loved you,
Jesus loved you enough to do the most outrageous thing--
to put aside his glory,
to become one of us.
And we,
we like our power,
our self worth,
our cozy little lives,
so much.
Hear, Good Shepherd,
you shall love the Lord your God with everything in you.
You shall let his love and his name be written
on the doorposts of your heart.
You shall let his love be the frame
around everything that you think, or say, or do.
You shall let his love guide your soul
into the way of everlasting peace.
Are you afraid?
Are you wishing there is another way?
Do not be afraid.
The love of God is broader and wider
and more sustaining than any small love you have now.
He will not let you fall.
He will not loose you or forget you.
Give your heart, your soul, your mind, your body to him.
Amen.

We're very very busy and we've got a lot to do

2011-10-19T07:08:00.000-04:00

Today is the Harvest Dinner, by gum, and already Matt has been over to church twice to let people in (its 6:45am as I write this). We're not going to be doing anything to help except our duty, which is school and then going and eating the food. And probably I'll stay and sweep floors after, or something.

Anyway, I haven't been intending to not blog every day but Matt is on a rampage of painting every room in the house as fast as he can. He's done all three bedrooms upstairs, one bathroom and the school room. There are two small bathrooms, our bedroom and one hallway remaining. Its kind of crazy and I keep thinking we're going to die of too much painting, but so far life is only getting better.

Since we moved in the children's rooms have sort of reminded me of prison cells (particularly Marigold's who has a small table, an empty bookshelf and a mattress on the floor). But NOW! We have pink, blue and Mediterranean Mustard (that's what I'm calling it) upstairs. AND, the true and most amazing mercy of all time, my kitchen cabinets are beautiful clean white making my no-natural-light-kitchen bright, cheerful and dream lovely.

My camera is full of pictures but I've been busy.
Check you later!

Another Birthday

2011-10-15T10:14:00.000-04:00

Gladys turns four today. She and her father are on their way to the pancake barn for an amazing and wonderful time. She put on her pink dress, pink and green stripey tights and blue shoes with pink flowers and then gazed at herself in the mirror. "I'm so beautiful," she said, as indeed she says almost every day, "Don't you think I'm beautiful?"

Honestly, what is the correct response day after day?
Some days we say, "Yes you are. You are beautiful."
Other days we say, "You are very beautiful inside and outside but inside is better."
Some days we're just tired and grunt. I probably need to memorize some kind of Bible verse I can fling at her.

Anyway, later we're going to have strawberry cake and then maybe go run around in the cold autumn wind. It is finally autumn today. Happy Birthday Gladys!

those who stay up too late, will have to wait for their joy

2011-10-13T23:33:00.000-04:00

I'm going to really really regret being up this late in a few short hours.
But its so quiet.

And I know that when I wake up, the authoritative sound of John McArthur preaching through Acts will mingle with the frantic sound of Romulus' piercing cry "Daddy, can I please have milk with a top" and the baby patting my face and pulling my hair. And then Gladys, who turns four on Saturday, will come in and begin the long argument about who gets to be on which side. Alouicious will descend anxiously with a shouting Marigold, looking soulfully into my eyes to inquire, "What's for breakfast?" Only Elphine will clatter on in her own way--getting dressed, brushing her own hair (how AMAZING is it to have a child who can brush her own hair), unloading the dishwasher, arranging chairs.

I will regret it so much as a stumble around the kitchen trying to decide between shouting or not speaking. Lately I've been going with not speaking.
But will eventually begin to thaw after pouring half milk, half tea, one sugar into everybody's little mug and dishing out cream of wheat (because, Alouicious, that is what we are having for breakfast tomorrow) and beginning to pray

"Let us humbly confess our sins unto Almighty God.
Romulus and Gladys this is the time for you to say and feel sorry to Jesus for hitting each other just now, Almighty and Most Merciful God, we have erred and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep. We have followed too much the devices and desires of our own hearts.
Yes we'll look up what 'devices' means in the dictionary in a minute.
We have offended against thy holy laws.
We'll look up 'offended' on Friday. Please pray with me as I say the words.
We have done those things which we ought not to have done.
Can anyone think of anything they ought not to have done this morning?
We have not done those things that we ought to have done.
You may have more cereal in a minute.
But Thou O Lord have mercy upon us. Spare thou those who confess their faults. Restore thou those who are penitent.
I'm sorry I forgot to give you a spoon."

And so we will say the Daily Office of Morning Prayer together, substituting a song of some kind for the Venite, and one short reading for all the readings and psalm. And then I won't notice all the noise again until about 4pm, when it will wash over me like a wave and I will think, 'Why ON EARTH did you stay up till 11:32 blogging when you could have been sleeping!?'

praying for south carolina

2011-10-12T21:43:00.000-04:00

I'm crashing into bed but had thought, seemingly randomly, to myself three days ago how grateful I am to be out of TEC. We're wildly busy and I don't ever think about it, except sometimes to pray for local TEC congregations and KJS. But after the Wall Street Journal article and the unfettered exuberance of Good Shepherd on an ordinary Sunday morning, I was just really grateful again, the other day, to be on the other side of such a continuing mess. It is so like a messy and painful divorce--a little space and time brings so much calm and space to pray and reflect and heal.

So I am really grieved, as I pray for Episcopalians all across South Carolina--just reading about it brings that nasty sick feeling in the gut--but also really hopeful. God is going to do something remarkable, I'm sure, multiplied over and over by every person in the diocese, every congregation, every priest, and certainly in Bishop Lawrence as he steers his people through the storm. I pray a steady hand for him and all his clergy. I pray for clear vision and hope. I pray for courage. I pray they will stand firm.